So I made a bone-headed mistake in my last post (which is now fixed). The last two essays were adapted from a longer draft I wrote last spring, and a lot of material was removed because I was trying to keep the posts reasonably not-insanely-long. One of the cut pieces discussed how Alice Miller and Gabor Maté both discuss in their books how they weren’t particularly good parents themselves, largely because of their own childhood traumas and exposure to what Miller calls “poisonous pedagogies”, and how learning about the toxic history of child-rearing in the West helped them understand both their own pain and the pain they passed on to their children.
I really enjoyed this column and your honesty. And I was glad to see that you are trading in the ideal of a perfect parent for a loving parent who is trying her best. I suspect I’m the older writer who warned against the earth mother complex and urged you to combine your writing with your mothering. It doesn’t help children if a mother is selfless and self-sacrificing. It’s better to set some boundaries about your needs and teach the child to respect them because children learn by example. A friend once gave me a useful analogy when my daughter was small. She said I was like a farmer with children who is running a farm and my chores (my writing life) had to be done to make the farm work. My job wasn’t only about looking after her and my friend suggested my daughter could help me with some of the chores. To my surprise, my friend was right. Taking on some responsibility for running the farm helped my daughter to become self reliant and self-sufficiency is the key to self-esteem.
I'm so glad I discovered your essays the other day. You sound like an over achiever in life and as a mother 😉which is meant in the best possible way. One thing I have learned after raising my own son and now Being a grandmother to 2 toddlers is that children need time with children. I raised my son-in a very adult environment and that made it much harder for him to fit in when he got to the age of about 8. I made tons of other mistakes no doubt but he survived. 🫣No matter the parenting style I think the most important thing we can instill in our children is that we love them, always and unconditionally and that they are sure of that. When they get to be teenagers, all bets are off. They turn into monsters
and you will not be sure where they came from, aliens perhaps. Teens were by far the toughest years.
Oh, I completely agree re other children! Our toddler goes to a parent/grandparent and baby/toddler meet-up around 3-4 times per week and we're lucky to have a handful of friends with kids around the same age. And oh man I expect the teen years to be rough. My daughter is way too cute and is already smiling her way out of trouble (a couple of days ago she smacked a bigger boy at Science World and according to my husband when he apologized, the boy just smiled at our daughter and sweetly said it was okay ... welp).
I really enjoyed this column and your honesty. And I was glad to see that you are trading in the ideal of a perfect parent for a loving parent who is trying her best. I suspect I’m the older writer who warned against the earth mother complex and urged you to combine your writing with your mothering. It doesn’t help children if a mother is selfless and self-sacrificing. It’s better to set some boundaries about your needs and teach the child to respect them because children learn by example. A friend once gave me a useful analogy when my daughter was small. She said I was like a farmer with children who is running a farm and my chores (my writing life) had to be done to make the farm work. My job wasn’t only about looking after her and my friend suggested my daughter could help me with some of the chores. To my surprise, my friend was right. Taking on some responsibility for running the farm helped my daughter to become self reliant and self-sufficiency is the key to self-esteem.
Haha yeah that was you! You had a good point.
I'm so glad I discovered your essays the other day. You sound like an over achiever in life and as a mother 😉which is meant in the best possible way. One thing I have learned after raising my own son and now Being a grandmother to 2 toddlers is that children need time with children. I raised my son-in a very adult environment and that made it much harder for him to fit in when he got to the age of about 8. I made tons of other mistakes no doubt but he survived. 🫣No matter the parenting style I think the most important thing we can instill in our children is that we love them, always and unconditionally and that they are sure of that. When they get to be teenagers, all bets are off. They turn into monsters
and you will not be sure where they came from, aliens perhaps. Teens were by far the toughest years.
Oh, I completely agree re other children! Our toddler goes to a parent/grandparent and baby/toddler meet-up around 3-4 times per week and we're lucky to have a handful of friends with kids around the same age. And oh man I expect the teen years to be rough. My daughter is way too cute and is already smiling her way out of trouble (a couple of days ago she smacked a bigger boy at Science World and according to my husband when he apologized, the boy just smiled at our daughter and sweetly said it was okay ... welp).