The real, full-picture humanity you're displaying right now is the type of thing I subscribed to Substack authors for, and I'm reasonably sure I'm far from alone on that.
I wouldn't want you to again go through anything quite like you did last night, for the sake of your family and yourself. That said, I daresay there is some value in shedding light on the unrefined experience of what an honest-to-God bad trip entails. In a way, I'm somewhat grateful for how you shared your experience in real time the way you did.
Thanks for taking ownership of it today, though. I understand how psychedelics in moderation (like almost everything else) can unlock unparalleled insights, and your writings seem to reflect that.
I'm giving up marijuana and ketamine, likely forever. I'm also taking a break from psilocybin but will likely return to using it medicinally, as I've found it to be very effective and I don't think anything bad would have happened if that was the only thing I took on Sunday (given I was completely fine until the weed).
I said this in another comment, but I don't drink or do any hard drugs -- I didn't even take painkillers for my last birth and postpartum, not even Tylenol or Ibuprofen. I'm very cautious with pharmaceuticals too. I used to smoke a lot of weed, but I stopped when I became pregnant with my first child. I'm not sure why I had the reaction I did, but I don't smoke weed very often anymore, and so I had a low tolerance.
I think ketamine has some benefits (low doses combined with yoga have done wonders for chronic pain for me) but like weed, I'm giving it up altogether after this, because I do not think the benefits do not outweigh potential costs (anymore).
Psilocybin is the only substance I plan on taking again, and not for a while. I've experienced incredible health benefits from it, and I really believe that my brother's weed pen + stress + sleep deprivation were the main causes of Sunday night. The dose of psilocybin I took on Sunday was low (and the dose of ketamine was very low), and had I not been sick and lacking sleep, at that level it would normally just give me a boost to do a bunch of cleaning or maybe do some yoga or have a dance party with my kids. I have no idea how much weed I got out of that stupid vape, but clearly way, way too much.
I’m still here. I’d recommend getting sober, or if you experiment, keep it to one substance at a time without the kids around. Life advice from a total stranger aside, do your best, be well and keep writing.
I'm giving up ketamine and marijuana, likely forever. I already don't drink or do other drugs, I even stay off pharmaceuticals and over the counter painkillers. Psilocybin I'll use again, because I believe in its healing powers, but more carefully and deliberately.
I'm glad that you're OK, I hope that your willingness to be open and vulnerable with something like this will help bring greater healing and vibrancy to your life and work.
As a father of young kids that has gotten away with being stupid, I empathize with you.
Nooooo kidding. For many reasons. I can't imagine one puff of a joint could have done that. Vapes are scary. All the people I know who use nicotine ones are way more addicted than the cigarette smokers.
Take care of yourself. If you need to sleep, let the older child watch tv. Look at the study: “Does Television Rot Your Brain? New Evidence from the Coleman Study” by Matthew Gentzkow and Jesse M. Shapiro.
Thank you! Fortunately, my MIL lives with us and watches my oldest sometimes while I nap with the baby (e.g. on Sunday), or my husband does. I was doing fine postpartum and healed pretty quickly, but then the whole house kept getting hit with various colds and infections, and right now I have a really bad cough that's screwing up my sleep.
Also, on the topic of the brain, you might enjoy the book The Nurture Revolution. It’s about neuroscience and babies, focusing on how to shape their personalities.
Feel better soon! You might need antibiotics if your cough has gotten very bad. My family also had a very unpleasant cold with a cough before the holidays, and both my husband and toddler ended up needing antibiotics. In addition to that, I had pneumonia as a child, and the symptoms included a cough at night that would wake me up. Viral infections can turn bacterial quickly.
Oh dear. I try to avoid antibiotics because I've had bad reactions to them. But maybe you're right. My three-month-old has a bad cough too, and I've been throwing various natural medicines at myself hoping I'll fight it off and pass the immunity on to her. That's actually one of the reasons I took the small dose of psilocybin on Sunday. Another commenter pointed out that all the medicinal plants (think oil of oregano and teas) I've been taking might have contributed to the weed psychosis as well.
If you call the pediatrician’s office, they can probably tell you whether you need to come in or if it’s too early. Hopefully, it’s nothing serious—maybe just postnasal drip. Or ask AI. Wish you a speedy recovery! ❤️
The baby's cough sounds pretty bad, but it's infrequent and the only other symptom is a stuffed up nose. She's still eating and sleeping and growing well and seems very alert and happy and rarely cries.
My toddler had similar issues: a bad cough, a stuffy nose, but overall seemed happy. I took her to the pediatrician during the second week of her cold, and when they checked her ears, they found an ear infection. With a 3-month-old, I’m not sure how cautious you need to be, but I’d recommend consulting your doctor.
For mental health, I would suggest working on rewiring your brain. I personally experienced severe physical symptoms that were apparently related to anxiety. It took two years to get a proper diagnosis ( Mayo Clinic figured it out), but I was able to address it after that.
Re rewiring my brain -- oh my god, that's why I'm into magic mushrooms! They pulled me out of a bad depression in 2020, and since then they've mostly helped me make positive lifestyle changes and have breakthroughs in the research and writing I've been doing here. I'm very careful with my diet and prioritize stuff like exercise and sunlight.
I wasn't depressed or anything before this happened -- I was actually doing very well until this newest wave of illness, but on the weekend I was very sleep deprived in part because of my cold and in part because my husband was away.
Okay, what's with the earache bug?! We had that one too (or a similar one). My husband needed antibiotics for it, but my three year old and I got rid of it without them (apparently the oven-warmed half onions over the ears trick works pretty well). A friend of ours had her eardrum rupture from the same virus.
Stuff like this is why my brain went to "there are super bugs coming." The stuff about the government was inspired by a woman who works at a health food store and told my husband the government was releasing the crazy new viruses that were going around.
You have no personal obligation to us. Focus on your children and what they need from you. They are the only ones who matter. As the child of an addict, I am begging you to give up those fucking drugs. Please. Your kids were "safe" this time, but next time they may not be so lucky. And they may not have felt as "safe" as you believe.
Both kids were really upset. I meant they were physically safe. They definitely didn't feel safe. I'm not addicted to or a daily user of any of the substances I mentioned -- if anything, one of the reasons the weed pen affected me so much is that my tolerance is low. I didn't use these substances while pregnant or immediately postpartum.
I also don't drink, eat refined sugar (also a drug!), or use hard drugs like cocaine, opioids, etc. I've had chronic physical and emotional pain issues since I was a little kid, and because I used to have a pretty bad Ibuprofen problem, I also don't take Ibuprofen. I actually didn't use any painkillers for my last birth, or postpartum, even though my midwives kept trying to get me to take Tylenol and Ibuprofen.
I am giving up marijuana -- likely permanently after this -- and ketamine, as well. Any medical benefits they have are outweighed by the potential harms, especially after this incident. Psilocybin, I'm taking a break from, but I've really only experienced significant health benefits from them, and I'm close to 100% sure I would have been completely fine if I'd left it at the small dose I took and taken nothing else. One of the reasons I took it is that I have a respiratory infection and so do both kids, and I thought it might help me fight it off (in retrospect, I actually took too small of a dose to see much benefit, but I wouldn't take a bigger dose while I was with my kids). Psilocybin can actually be used to recover from an addiction to drugs or alcohol, and it's non-addictive itself.
A friend was recommending that! I got a little sketched out, but maybe I should give it a chance. Yes, I know cannabis shows up in breastmilk! One of the reasons I rarely smoke it since becoming pregnant with my first. In this situation, I forgot how stupidly strong my brother's vapes are. But I was also sleep deprived, anxious, sick, and missing my husband, and I think all these factors contributed to why I had the reaction I did.
I've seen other people freak out on weed before, especially when they were going through something emotional and exhausting. Marijuana can definitely be really dangerous.
Yep, I've had a couple of unpleasantly paranoid and disorienting times while smoking with the wrong people or in the wrong situation. Weed enables a subtle shift in reality perception, and if the organism is already unbalanced, can tip a person into a freak-out (or, for a predisposed person, into schizophrenia).
And I find couch lock really really unpleasant! :-)
Thank you for your honesty in what happened. I knew something must be wrong. Sending much love to you, I appreciate your insights into life and how you are truly living life the best way you can even when you struggle. You don't hide away like I do so you are an inspiration. Take very good care of yourself.
Hope you tell us more, Meghan, so we too can make a sense of this (here on your substack). And no, I will not leave because of your crazies or your openness... quite the contrary.
Love coming to this stack...
Take good care of yourself, Meghan. That most of all.
A few tweet-sized posts (or Notes?) with themes akin to Mel Gibson's in the movie Conspiracy Theory. (Mind in you, he did caught on to something real in that movie).
Didn't expect drugs, I thought the account was maybe hijacked though.
Glad all ended well, a little worried still. Best of luck to Meghan.
I suspect many of us feel a bit broken, and question. And those who don't might at least be questioning how others feel and cope and live. And how we can all live together in a broken place... at the very least.
Thank you for letting us know you are all right, that you had family around you.
I am very new to this substack, but I would really like to ask you if you know Jesus. You really sound like you need Him and His Word. He can heal you, but you must ask Him into your life. Using hallucinogens opens you up to demon oppression/possession. I pray for the sake of your children that you stop using and start a relationship with the Lord.
I used to say that I believed in God and even went to church as a Catholic on Sundays (religion not relationship), but I was lost and still living for myself. (I also had a rough childhood). One day I started reading the Bible and His Word and it really started to change me. I am no longer a Catholic but I have found a Protestant church that I really love now and I am still reading His Word every night. As I look back at who I used to be, it shocks me and I feel ashamed. I have asked Him for forgiveness and He has given me the peace that surpasses all understanding.
I truly hope that I did not offend you by telling you this, and I hope in some way it can help you.
Good, I'm glad I didn't offend you. I still hope you look into getting to know Jesus by reading the New Testament. He is mentioned often in the Old Testament (as a coming Messiah with unmistakable clues which the New Testament fulfills) also, but His words will fill you with Joy and peace after reading the New Testament. Prayers for you and your family.
Could they have contributed to this? I had a cup of coffee that morning, and I've been using A LOT of medicinal plants (rosemary, thyme, oregano, chamomile, peppermint, the list goes on, and including some of the oils like oil of oregano) to try to fight off the respiratory virus, including that day.
Yes. The gut and the brain are connected and medicinal plants are irritants if taken in quantity. Each time you use them you have to weight the benefits and the harms.
Crap. I didn't think of that. I've definitely been using a lot of those lately (because of being sick), especially in teas and soups, but also essential oils topically and through a diffuser.
I'm pretty dependent on chamomile tea before bed for sleep -- do you think that's okay?
I personally am cautious about using essential oils in a diffuser (or at all) especially with a baby. Many essential oils act as antibiotics and when they’re diffused, so you are potentially nuking all the bacteria in your nose as you breathe in. Maybe not a big deal, but it is your first line of defense. I think the instagram account @shopsubluna has a highlight on this if you’re interested. Glad you are alright!
I just followed that account! Thank you! I was using an immune booster blend and only diffusing a couple times per week because I was worried about the baby. I hoped it would help clean the air in our house. Combo has cloves, cinnamon, lemon, rosemary, and eucalyptus.
I use oils topically too for various things, but am very careful not to let it come in contact with the baby (and only toddler-safe ones for my older kid, for acute stuff).
I figured. I tried to figure out a way to give you a head's up but ultimately realized you'd figure things out by today. No worries. As shown in Sideways (one of my favorite movies), indulging and dialing (or posting) is a mistake but we've all made a few of those. You've addressed it. Now just carry on and keep posting as usual.
It was clear you were worried and trying to warn us of danger - Meghan, you meant well. You made a mistake. Everyone has. Please don't stop writing your essays - they are very good.
The real, full-picture humanity you're displaying right now is the type of thing I subscribed to Substack authors for, and I'm reasonably sure I'm far from alone on that.
I wouldn't want you to again go through anything quite like you did last night, for the sake of your family and yourself. That said, I daresay there is some value in shedding light on the unrefined experience of what an honest-to-God bad trip entails. In a way, I'm somewhat grateful for how you shared your experience in real time the way you did.
Thanks for taking ownership of it today, though. I understand how psychedelics in moderation (like almost everything else) can unlock unparalleled insights, and your writings seem to reflect that.
Get off drugs ffs
I'm giving up marijuana and ketamine, likely forever. I'm also taking a break from psilocybin but will likely return to using it medicinally, as I've found it to be very effective and I don't think anything bad would have happened if that was the only thing I took on Sunday (given I was completely fine until the weed).
I said this in another comment, but I don't drink or do any hard drugs -- I didn't even take painkillers for my last birth and postpartum, not even Tylenol or Ibuprofen. I'm very cautious with pharmaceuticals too. I used to smoke a lot of weed, but I stopped when I became pregnant with my first child. I'm not sure why I had the reaction I did, but I don't smoke weed very often anymore, and so I had a low tolerance.
I think ketamine has some benefits (low doses combined with yoga have done wonders for chronic pain for me) but like weed, I'm giving it up altogether after this, because I do not think the benefits do not outweigh potential costs (anymore).
Psilocybin is the only substance I plan on taking again, and not for a while. I've experienced incredible health benefits from it, and I really believe that my brother's weed pen + stress + sleep deprivation were the main causes of Sunday night. The dose of psilocybin I took on Sunday was low (and the dose of ketamine was very low), and had I not been sick and lacking sleep, at that level it would normally just give me a boost to do a bunch of cleaning or maybe do some yoga or have a dance party with my kids. I have no idea how much weed I got out of that stupid vape, but clearly way, way too much.
I’m still here. I’d recommend getting sober, or if you experiment, keep it to one substance at a time without the kids around. Life advice from a total stranger aside, do your best, be well and keep writing.
I'm giving up ketamine and marijuana, likely forever. I already don't drink or do other drugs, I even stay off pharmaceuticals and over the counter painkillers. Psilocybin I'll use again, because I believe in its healing powers, but more carefully and deliberately.
I'm glad that you're OK, I hope that your willingness to be open and vulnerable with something like this will help bring greater healing and vibrancy to your life and work.
As a father of young kids that has gotten away with being stupid, I empathize with you.
Modern technology does not interface well with ancestral practices
Nooooo kidding. For many reasons. I can't imagine one puff of a joint could have done that. Vapes are scary. All the people I know who use nicotine ones are way more addicted than the cigarette smokers.
Take care of yourself. If you need to sleep, let the older child watch tv. Look at the study: “Does Television Rot Your Brain? New Evidence from the Coleman Study” by Matthew Gentzkow and Jesse M. Shapiro.
Thank you! Fortunately, my MIL lives with us and watches my oldest sometimes while I nap with the baby (e.g. on Sunday), or my husband does. I was doing fine postpartum and healed pretty quickly, but then the whole house kept getting hit with various colds and infections, and right now I have a really bad cough that's screwing up my sleep.
Also, on the topic of the brain, you might enjoy the book The Nurture Revolution. It’s about neuroscience and babies, focusing on how to shape their personalities.
I follow the author on Instagram, I believe!
I love your writing! The most interesting things I’ve done for mental health was Samadhi meditation. It was fascinating to reach the stage of “bliss.”
Feel better soon! You might need antibiotics if your cough has gotten very bad. My family also had a very unpleasant cold with a cough before the holidays, and both my husband and toddler ended up needing antibiotics. In addition to that, I had pneumonia as a child, and the symptoms included a cough at night that would wake me up. Viral infections can turn bacterial quickly.
Oh dear. I try to avoid antibiotics because I've had bad reactions to them. But maybe you're right. My three-month-old has a bad cough too, and I've been throwing various natural medicines at myself hoping I'll fight it off and pass the immunity on to her. That's actually one of the reasons I took the small dose of psilocybin on Sunday. Another commenter pointed out that all the medicinal plants (think oil of oregano and teas) I've been taking might have contributed to the weed psychosis as well.
If you call the pediatrician’s office, they can probably tell you whether you need to come in or if it’s too early. Hopefully, it’s nothing serious—maybe just postnasal drip. Or ask AI. Wish you a speedy recovery! ❤️
The baby's cough sounds pretty bad, but it's infrequent and the only other symptom is a stuffed up nose. She's still eating and sleeping and growing well and seems very alert and happy and rarely cries.
My toddler had similar issues: a bad cough, a stuffy nose, but overall seemed happy. I took her to the pediatrician during the second week of her cold, and when they checked her ears, they found an ear infection. With a 3-month-old, I’m not sure how cautious you need to be, but I’d recommend consulting your doctor.
For mental health, I would suggest working on rewiring your brain. I personally experienced severe physical symptoms that were apparently related to anxiety. It took two years to get a proper diagnosis ( Mayo Clinic figured it out), but I was able to address it after that.
Re rewiring my brain -- oh my god, that's why I'm into magic mushrooms! They pulled me out of a bad depression in 2020, and since then they've mostly helped me make positive lifestyle changes and have breakthroughs in the research and writing I've been doing here. I'm very careful with my diet and prioritize stuff like exercise and sunlight.
I wasn't depressed or anything before this happened -- I was actually doing very well until this newest wave of illness, but on the weekend I was very sleep deprived in part because of my cold and in part because my husband was away.
Okay, what's with the earache bug?! We had that one too (or a similar one). My husband needed antibiotics for it, but my three year old and I got rid of it without them (apparently the oven-warmed half onions over the ears trick works pretty well). A friend of ours had her eardrum rupture from the same virus.
Stuff like this is why my brain went to "there are super bugs coming." The stuff about the government was inspired by a woman who works at a health food store and told my husband the government was releasing the crazy new viruses that were going around.
You have no personal obligation to us. Focus on your children and what they need from you. They are the only ones who matter. As the child of an addict, I am begging you to give up those fucking drugs. Please. Your kids were "safe" this time, but next time they may not be so lucky. And they may not have felt as "safe" as you believe.
Both kids were really upset. I meant they were physically safe. They definitely didn't feel safe. I'm not addicted to or a daily user of any of the substances I mentioned -- if anything, one of the reasons the weed pen affected me so much is that my tolerance is low. I didn't use these substances while pregnant or immediately postpartum.
I also don't drink, eat refined sugar (also a drug!), or use hard drugs like cocaine, opioids, etc. I've had chronic physical and emotional pain issues since I was a little kid, and because I used to have a pretty bad Ibuprofen problem, I also don't take Ibuprofen. I actually didn't use any painkillers for my last birth, or postpartum, even though my midwives kept trying to get me to take Tylenol and Ibuprofen.
I am giving up marijuana -- likely permanently after this -- and ketamine, as well. Any medical benefits they have are outweighed by the potential harms, especially after this incident. Psilocybin, I'm taking a break from, but I've really only experienced significant health benefits from them, and I'm close to 100% sure I would have been completely fine if I'd left it at the small dose I took and taken nothing else. One of the reasons I took it is that I have a respiratory infection and so do both kids, and I thought it might help me fight it off (in retrospect, I actually took too small of a dose to see much benefit, but I wouldn't take a bigger dose while I was with my kids). Psilocybin can actually be used to recover from an addiction to drugs or alcohol, and it's non-addictive itself.
For resp. infection, check out chlorine dioxide. Amazing stuff. Doc Kory is doing a series on it.
And keep in mind cannabis shows up in breast milk.
A friend was recommending that! I got a little sketched out, but maybe I should give it a chance. Yes, I know cannabis shows up in breastmilk! One of the reasons I rarely smoke it since becoming pregnant with my first. In this situation, I forgot how stupidly strong my brother's vapes are. But I was also sleep deprived, anxious, sick, and missing my husband, and I think all these factors contributed to why I had the reaction I did.
I've seen other people freak out on weed before, especially when they were going through something emotional and exhausting. Marijuana can definitely be really dangerous.
Yep, I've had a couple of unpleasantly paranoid and disorienting times while smoking with the wrong people or in the wrong situation. Weed enables a subtle shift in reality perception, and if the organism is already unbalanced, can tip a person into a freak-out (or, for a predisposed person, into schizophrenia).
And I find couch lock really really unpleasant! :-)
(hug)
Thank you for your honesty in what happened. I knew something must be wrong. Sending much love to you, I appreciate your insights into life and how you are truly living life the best way you can even when you struggle. You don't hide away like I do so you are an inspiration. Take very good care of yourself.
Oh no, what happened? I feel so left out! :-)
Was there a crazy essay that's been erased?
Hope you tell us more, Meghan, so we too can make a sense of this (here on your substack). And no, I will not leave because of your crazies or your openness... quite the contrary.
Love coming to this stack...
Take good care of yourself, Meghan. That most of all.
> Was there a crazy essay that's been erased?
A few tweet-sized posts (or Notes?) with themes akin to Mel Gibson's in the movie Conspiracy Theory. (Mind in you, he did caught on to something real in that movie).
Didn't expect drugs, I thought the account was maybe hijacked though.
Glad all ended well, a little worried still. Best of luck to Meghan.
Take good care of yourself.
I suspect many of us feel a bit broken, and question. And those who don't might at least be questioning how others feel and cope and live. And how we can all live together in a broken place... at the very least.
Thank you for letting us know you are all right, that you had family around you.
Strength and peace--
Oh good. I thought you had a psychotic break. A bad trip is MUCH better.
It wasn't NOT psychotic, but I was fully out of it by the next morning.
I am very new to this substack, but I would really like to ask you if you know Jesus. You really sound like you need Him and His Word. He can heal you, but you must ask Him into your life. Using hallucinogens opens you up to demon oppression/possession. I pray for the sake of your children that you stop using and start a relationship with the Lord.
I used to say that I believed in God and even went to church as a Catholic on Sundays (religion not relationship), but I was lost and still living for myself. (I also had a rough childhood). One day I started reading the Bible and His Word and it really started to change me. I am no longer a Catholic but I have found a Protestant church that I really love now and I am still reading His Word every night. As I look back at who I used to be, it shocks me and I feel ashamed. I have asked Him for forgiveness and He has given me the peace that surpasses all understanding.
I truly hope that I did not offend you by telling you this, and I hope in some way it can help you.
You didn't offend me! I didn't grow up with religion but I do actually believe in God. My husband is Jewish and we go to synagogue sometimes.
Good, I'm glad I didn't offend you. I still hope you look into getting to know Jesus by reading the New Testament. He is mentioned often in the Old Testament (as a coming Messiah with unmistakable clues which the New Testament fulfills) also, but His words will fill you with Joy and peace after reading the New Testament. Prayers for you and your family.
I'd stay clear of all substances, even coffee or medicinal plants.
Could they have contributed to this? I had a cup of coffee that morning, and I've been using A LOT of medicinal plants (rosemary, thyme, oregano, chamomile, peppermint, the list goes on, and including some of the oils like oil of oregano) to try to fight off the respiratory virus, including that day.
Yes. The gut and the brain are connected and medicinal plants are irritants if taken in quantity. Each time you use them you have to weight the benefits and the harms.
Crap. I didn't think of that. I've definitely been using a lot of those lately (because of being sick), especially in teas and soups, but also essential oils topically and through a diffuser.
I'm pretty dependent on chamomile tea before bed for sleep -- do you think that's okay?
I personally am cautious about using essential oils in a diffuser (or at all) especially with a baby. Many essential oils act as antibiotics and when they’re diffused, so you are potentially nuking all the bacteria in your nose as you breathe in. Maybe not a big deal, but it is your first line of defense. I think the instagram account @shopsubluna has a highlight on this if you’re interested. Glad you are alright!
I just followed that account! Thank you! I was using an immune booster blend and only diffusing a couple times per week because I was worried about the baby. I hoped it would help clean the air in our house. Combo has cloves, cinnamon, lemon, rosemary, and eucalyptus.
I use oils topically too for various things, but am very careful not to let it come in contact with the baby (and only toddler-safe ones for my older kid, for acute stuff).
You sound like you’re doing everything you can to be safe! I’m a mom too — I’m praying for both of us to be the best we can at an impossible job :)
Chamomile is mild.
Okay, phew.
I figured. I tried to figure out a way to give you a head's up but ultimately realized you'd figure things out by today. No worries. As shown in Sideways (one of my favorite movies), indulging and dialing (or posting) is a mistake but we've all made a few of those. You've addressed it. Now just carry on and keep posting as usual.
It was clear you were worried and trying to warn us of danger - Meghan, you meant well. You made a mistake. Everyone has. Please don't stop writing your essays - they are very good.
Thank you ... I feel really embarrassed and a bit disoriented though.
Be well ❤️