For the record -- I am not trying to claim that people like Gabor Mate or Bessel van der Kolk (or anyone else) are above criticism when I defend them here; my issue is that Shrier does not engage with their arguments in good faith. Personally, I do NOT think all adult mental illness can or should be attributed primarily to "childhood trauma." For one thing, as I mentioned a handful of times in this review, I think environmental and dietary factors are playing an ENORMOUS role. I also omitted discussion of Bessel van der Kolk's role in the "repressed memory" controversy, which I have mixed feelings on and have read mixed evidence on. I honestly could have written a whole book about this bookl; I have a word document of around 4,000 words of material I ended up cutting.
As well, I said that I got a lot out of the chapters on schools. But It's important to acknowledge that I'm in my mid-thirties and the mother of a toddler ... I haven't stepped foot in a grade school in eighteen years and really have no idea what's going on in them. Plus i'm Canadian. So if there are significant issues in these chapters, I wasn't exactly the person to catch them, and I'd love to hear from people who are more informed in the comments.
EDIT (April 9, 2024):
This review, published today, has some good criticisms of the chapters on schools (turns out I DID miss stuff, not surprising!). Also other great points.
I DEFINITELY missed a lot of stuff. Some good points came up in the thread with Franklin (below), and I suspect there's more. The review by Leonard Sax linked above points out that Shrier's examples from schools all seem to come from California, for example. He also points out that while Shrier claims her book is about "the fearful, the lonely, lost, and sad" not those with "profound mental illness", these are not actual two easily distinguished groups and it's not always easy for mental health experts to tell who needs what kind of help, how much someone is at risk etc. As well, I should have clarified that while I agree with Shrier that medication is OVER-prescribed, I do recognize that certain medications have their place and help many people.
Please drop a comment if you spotted anything I missed (etc). I tried to give Shrier the benefit of the doubt in this review, but suspect I was too generous / credulous.
Wow. This is a tour de force, Meghan. Thank you for diving so deeply and so critically into Shrier's book; I was intrigued by the title of it and the excerpted piece I read somewhere (Free Press, perhaps?)
What is it about human beings and the magic bullet? I suppose it's our predilection for short cuts, but man, Shrier's attempt to pin a phenomenon as large as children's lack of resilience on just "bad therapy" is kind of nuts. As you astutely point out, there are MYRIAD reasons why kids aren't growing up -- but that doesn't make for a catchy title or a hooked audience.
Thank you for such a comprehensive (and well-researched) review. Maybe YOU should write a book?? 😉
A very thorough review, thank you. I especially agree with “pick your experts carefully”. Early on, as young parents, we turned to Faber and Mazlish and found a great deal of helpful advice. Isabelle Filliozat has written wonderful books on parenting focusing on the neuroscience behind behavior; and gives advice based on research. I think they have been translated from the French into several languages. We also did attachment parenting, co-sleeping,long-term breast feeding, and all 3 of our kids are confident and gregarious individuals. Have some rules, stick to them and give plenty love 💕
I haven't heard of any of those authors! I found William Sears to be fairly helpful. I think it's easy to slip into the "there's a lot of bad parenting books out there therefore all parenting books are bad" thinking, but of course that's nonsense. I think problems arise when parents stick to parenting books (even good ones) too rigidly, using them as instruction manuals instead of loose guidelines or suggestions.
You quoted in your piece the book “How to speak so your kids will listen, how to listen so you kids will speak.” This is by the Canadian authors Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish. They provide training packs for parents to host discussion evenings: the Tupperware party equivalent of positive parenting! We attended some of these sessions with other young parents when our first child was born and it was just such a relief to hear that other parents were struggling too. Yes, there is some great parenting literature out there, but sadly, as you say, a lot of rubbish! X
Ohhh haha! I haven't read that book, it was one Shrier mentioned! I looked up the authors quickly and noted their educational background but forgot their names. (My memory is unusually good but I'm not a computer or anything :-p). Shrier gave one example of advice from it (don't punish kids) that I agree probably isn't the best advice, but honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if she took them WAY out of context. I didn't have the source material to check like I did with Gabor Mate, Bessel van der Kolk, and Siegel & Bryson. But frankly almost every time I DID check one of Shrier's sources or citations it turned out to be exaggerated, out of context, grossly skewed, incorrect, or non-existent so I suspect it's a mistake to trust any claim in Bad Therapy.
Yes, that does seem totally out of context. F&M are against corporal and humiliating punishments, which I think we can all agree are detrimental to a child (and adults alike). They offer excellent alternatives to traditional punishments that trigger the frontal cortex and help children to understand what they’ve done wrong and how to atone for their misdeeds. The focus on verbalizing emotions has worked wonders for our kids, and they are able today to open up and share their feelings. NB. it’s a continual learning process and we’ve made tons of mistakes too. Parents shouldn’t aim for perfection, it’s impossible 😅
Oof, so yes, misleading then. Shrier implies they claim ALL punishments are bad, no specifics (on page 189 of Bad Therapy). I think she might have done something similar to Gabor Mate (she claims he told Joe Rogan that time outs will traumatize a child but I suspect he said something more nuanced, I just didn't want to go and watch the 3-hour interview to fact check her). I tried to give Abigail Shrier the benefit of the doubt in this review, but I'm starting to suspect that was a mistake. I don't think she's stupid, which leaves the likelihood that she is frequently deliberately misleading readers. I'm starting to collect a list of issues I missed, might have to do a follow up post along the lines of "Worse Journalism Than I Realized" (or a better title I'll think of later, idk, I'm half-kidding, but I feel like I barely scratched the surface of issues with this book and there are people out there hailing it as a "masterpiece"!)
Gabor mate does say timeouts are traumatizing, and I agree with him. I think he usually brings that up in context of jordan peterson saying you put a child away until they are willing to behave for you, which mate considers as leaning in to conditional love from the parent. I think timeouts are for parents whose other alternative is to hit their kids. I don't think anyone outside of the west does timeouts. I grew up in india and if a kid misbehaved in a group setting, they'd be scolded and made to get on with the program, or be pacified.
We can’t really at the same time condemn and condone an act; it’s pretty confusing. The physical pain still comes from another person (not like stubbing one’s toe) and that has a psychological impact.
I see your point about other techniques doing probable damage, and I know that I have lost my temper and shouted and scared my kids when I should have kept my cool. It’s not an easy ride being a parent; that’s where good, psychologically tested techniques come into play. Thankfully there are some good ones on the market. 🙏
I think *narrative* matters! Okay, so a boy whacks his sister, gets a mild spanking, the narrative in his mind is going to be different than if he got a spanking for doing something like playing video games instead of homework or not weeding the garden fast enough. A toddler keeps running out into the street, and a panicked mother spanks him so he stops doing that and is safe. A different narrative than a toddler who, say, gets a spanking for accidentally spilling a glass of milk. Same with yelling ... there's a difference between a parent losing their temper on a rare extreme occasion, and a parent who yells abusive crap at a child for two hours. There's a difference between a spanking that happens right away, versus one that happens after an hour of shouting insult.
I've talked to several people who were both yelled at and spanked as kids. All of us say that being yelled at was more upsetting and long-term emotionally scarring than being spanked. (Mild/moderate spanking, not anything close to resembling serious physical harm). Context, context, context.
Both corporal and verbal abuse are damaging, the research is clear. It’s hard to say which is worse; as you say “context” is important. I saw siblings and friends abused physically and/or psychologically and what has struck me is that a significant majority have not passed these traits on; though many have substance issues, (Worth noting). We’re constantly evolving and finding better techniques with science and research; we need to learn and propagate healthier practices. It’s up to us to make an effort. X
Agreed! Western parenting has been corrupt for a long time, but there are many parents / families who are healing, doing better with each generation. Excerpt from an earlier Substack post on parenting books:
"According to Darcia F. Narvaez, PhD, author of the Psychology Today column “Moral Landscapes”:
“In our culture, we have pretty much unnested our children. We are missing most of the components of what helps a baby grow into their full potential, their systems to develop properly. That’s the unnestedness.” (quoted from The Myth of Normal (2022) by Gabor and Daniel Maté, page 167)
Narvaez characterizes Western parenting as being long “off the rails.” Her work frequently compares Western (and “colonial”) parenting practices over the past few centuries with Indigenous practices of childrearing, noting that Indigenous peoples in the Americas were “shocked” at the harsh parenting practices of the colonizers. Narvaez advocates for the “decolonization” of child-rearing, a call which is conspicuously absent from most of the mainstream “woke” rhetoric on the subject (leftist calls for government-subsidized universal daycare would be an example of further “colonizing” child-rearing, ironically)."
I think any form of corporal punishment teaches kids that physical violence is acceptable in certain circumstances. If we hit our partner, neighbor, or colleague we get arrested; so why is it ok to hit little defenseless humans? That’s my two cents. X
I see your point, but I worry that by avoiding spanking, many parents are resorting to stuff like prolonged yelling, guilt-tripping, shaming, and verbal manipulation, which may do more long-term damage. A mild spanking stops hurting after a few seconds. We forget physical pain easily. But emotional and psychological pain can stick around, really screw with you.
Physical violence IS acceptable in certain circumstances; such as in self-defence. If a guy gropes me, I think it's fine for me to slap him or give him a whack at the bottom of the sternum. (Not drawing parallels to spanking kids, but, for example, when my parents spanked my brother, it was usually because he had done something violent to me, e.g. the time he beat me up with his skateboard. Having grown up with a violently-inclined brother, I'm sympathetic to Abigail Shrier's argument that using "gentle" parenting when a kid hits his sibling is not particularly "gentle" to the sibling who just got hit).
Thanks for this piece. I had some misgivings about her book but you put them into words. I share her skepticism of “parenting experts” and “gentle parenting”, and I can’t respond to a lot of her criticism of people like Daniel Siegel or “parenting experts” because I haven’t read most of their work and I try to read less parenting literature these days. When my first child was born, I drove myself crazy with these books. But even without having read their books, her characterization of some of their views seem… cartoonish? Is that the right word?
(I DO have Siegel’s book on my shelf. Maybe I ought to read it? I will say, I’ve been disappointed in some of the authors commonly recommended alongside him such as the gentle parenting authors, so admittedly after I finished their books, I never bothered to pick up his. My own parenting is going well enough anyway- my toddlers are well regulated, capable little girls. Everyone I know says so, even my eldest’s preschool teacher. I credit books like “Hunt, Gather, Parent” with giving me the confidence to do things according to instinct. So I actively try to read fewer parenting books. They were making me anxious and I don’t need to fix what ain’t broke).
But even without having read it, some of her characterizations of their arguments seem like straw men to me. I did read one book that Mate coauthored with Gordon Neufeld (Hold Onto Your Kids), which seemed sensible to me.
Honestly, I wouldn't recommend The Whole Brain Child to a lot of people, unless they were looking for something really basic. I listened to it on audiobook at 1.5x speed. The science in it is good but it's written in a for-dummies kind of way that I found obnoxious (I don't think I'm the target audience though!). I really just thought it was dumb that Shrier didn't bother to read it when it would have taken her maybe four hours tops and she would have avoided a lot of stupid errors if she had bothered. Glad to hear your kids are doing well! I'd avoid most parenting books LOL. The Mate/Neufeld one I haven't read but from what I've heard it's one of the best.
I had a lousy childhood. Parents repressed trauma and are codependent but attractive and assertive so no one can see it. Teachers, therapists, etc, everyone tried to get through to them but the problem was never them. They’re monoliths, to be honest. They’ve never changed in the 42 years I’ve known them. They have no hobbies. Because they’re so self-confident, they were actually susceptible to any attack that wasn’t direct and so they were manipulated and groomed by an abuser who wanted access to me and got it. Ruined my life and they’ve paid me lip service but they don’t have the emotional depth to really understand. And yet….. They’re beloved, actually. Women worship my mother and defend and emulate her. Men who are more successful than my father swear by him and also try to emulate him. It’s the most disturbing thing. Good people who can’t trust they’re good people and can’t trust their instincts. The most important thing you can do as a parent is work on yourself. Children are emulators. You can talk to them all you want but you can’t stop them from copying you. Imo, the more you can do to deal with your own issues, the more you pay it forward to your children. It’s even written in the Bible. That’s how long we’ve known children will pay for what they’re parents won’t handle. Great review btw.
Thank you for your effort to address the book's shortcomings, which seems to have been a lot of work. You wrote in your footnote that "the possibility that young people are more fragile than they used to be in part because they’re being poisoned by pollution, pesticides, pharmaceuticals, and processed foods". I would encourage you to write an essay on this topic as well. I would love to read it!
I currently have one in the works on the possible issues with synthetic vitamins, including prenatal vitamins and food "fortification"! Will definitely be returning to this topic a lot.
Yes, I read about this study a while ago (I think it's at least 15 years old). Great example as to why "gifted" programs are not necessarily a good idea ... and as the study predicts, a lot of former "gifted" kids don't want to challenge themselves, won't try something unless they think they can do it perfectly the first time etc.
That was a lot of words to say that rather than encouraging children to face and deal with their feelings and forget about them, they should keep the memories alive by talking about them all the time. Not every feeling needs to be explored. In fact, I don’t think they’re important at all. When I told my parents that they’d hurt my feelings, they straight told me that they didn’t care. There were no dinner choices. We did as we were told. And they weren’t bad parents.
I think Shrier’s point was that parents these days don’t take the responsibility of raising their children. They give them too many choices and not enough responsibilities. Therapy is meant to be a short term solution. A good therapist will give you the tools necessary to not see them anymore. But today’s therapist will diagnose you with anything to keep you coming back.
Sorry if I'm misinterpreting your comment, but are you implying that's what this essay is arguing (kids should talk about memories all the time?) because I argued the opposite and that wasn't my criticism of Shrier's book. I'm pretty blunt with my own toddler, and she eats whatever we eat for dinner (usually without fuss).
Quote from essay:
"I did “attachment” parenting, but I’m not a “gentle” parent. I say no all the time, give orders, tell my kid she can’t have toast until she finishes her eggs, and say things that are messy and authentic instead of scripted and eerily perfect."
I also acknowledged the strengths of Bad Therapy, but she gets a lot wrong and oversimplifies the complicated issue of the youth mental health crisis, and a lot of her advice could backfire, in some cases dangerously. One of the cruxes of her book is that most kids aren't severely mentally ill and don't need therapy but parents who push them to grow up and be more independent. The problem is that it's not always obvious who is seriously struggling or not. Another review of this book mentioned a case study of a college student who seemed to have everything going for her, but got depressed in university -- the exact archetype of the kind of kid Shrier would claim doesn't need professional help. That girl committed suicide.
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean you, specifically. I meant today’s parents, in general. Also, I apologize for my tone. Maybe I did misread.
Yes. That is the crux of one of her arguments that I wholeheartedly agree with. How can we tell who’s severe or not if everyone says they have a problem? And what if one therapist gives a diagnosis and another gives a competing diagnosis or simply says that the kid is adolescent. They’re moody.
Children are far more resilient than adults think. I know. I used to be one. I am ADHD and bipolar 1. I was diagnosed at 36 and 38, respectively. I never had therapy, so I just figured it out. You learn to cope when you’re forced to. I’m not sure if you’ve seen Sixteen Candles, but parents used to be the ones pushing their nerdy son into the gym forcing him to join the party with the other kids. He was a geeky kid, so I imagine he had “social anxiety.” Parents need to push their kids into the gym instead of having them learn that they can cop out instead of facing their crap. Sorry, could only think of one other word and I didn’t want to seem mad or aggressive.
It’s sucks that the girl committed suicide. I wouldn’t wish that on any family. However, one tragedy doesn’t prove a point. Do we know whether she tried therapy? What was she being treated for? How are therapists to know who to treat when they are inundated by clients who really just need to buck up? Also, my son presents as depressed when he’s one of the happiest people I know. Some would have him therapy because he seems sullen/glum. He would’ve been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder because he’s shy. Same with me. And it’s ok.
Do you agree that PTSD is over diagnosed? I’d actually been thinking about that well before reading the book. PTSD is way over diagnosed. I didn’t even know we had so many children who faced combat…of any kind.
Ah, okay, gotcha. I honestly don't know how to answer most of this because it's such a case by case kind of thing, and I think sometimes the people who are suffering the most are also the ones who make the least noise about it. Some therapists and therapies really help some people, but so many therapists these days seem to be doing way more harm than good. I tried therapy for a variety of issues, and I think it helped me in some ways but my mental health got worse. Then I took an insane amount of magic mushrooms and that pulled me right out of it. I wanted to share that with everyone, because I thought because it helped me it would help others. But talking to doctors etc about my experience, and I hear stories of people who completely deteriorate on mushrooms. Thought more about it and looked more into it and realized it's not the kind of experience everyone can handle.
I agree more parents need to push their kids to the gym :-) (etc)
Re PTSD, I don't think it's common by the old-school definition (acute trauma, as in warfare) but when you look at complex PTSD -- which is ongoing milder trauma more of an emotional nature (e.g. growing up in an abusive or neglectful home, being in a relationship with a narcissist who undermines your mental health, working a crappy job with long hours and a boss who insults you so you're sleep deprived and stress eating junk) and other chronic stresses on our systems, then I think almost everyone has "trauma" to some extent or another. But I also think young people are less resilient these days due to environmental factors -- more kids are being born with genes that increase sensitivity (I don't think anyone knows why but it's a thing), diets are poorer, more hormone disruptors etc. Nutrient deficiencies can sap your strength, resilience. I mentioned this in this essay, but I explore it a bit more in some recent ones and have more in the works about it. It's kind of a tangle, but I really think at a biochemical level the younger generations are suffering more than our generations and older did -- regardless of actual levels of trauma.
I shroom, too. I’ve taken them since high school. I wish I had as profound experience as you did! I’ve never heard of anyone losing it on shrooms. LSD, though, is a different story. Ha.
I’m more apt to believe that cPTSD simply doesn’t exist, as the author does. We keep pathologizing every little “bad” emotion. I agree that therapists are bad. There are too many out there not to be. I hold an MA, too. I want someone who’s gone to med school or has a PhD. Therapists should not be able to diagnose. I don’t trust them.
Kids are less resilient because they never face obstacles. Since there is no proof of environmental factors, I don’t believe the claim. There is nothing wrong with the majority of children. It’s all junk science. Why would they be suffering more today? Do they have to walk five miles uphill in the snow to get to school? Were they raised by Vietnam vets? Did they live through the crack epidemic or gang wars? Are they victims of systemic racism, because most of them are white, I’d say no.
I have sensory issues. It’s a symptom of adhd, which is outstandingly over diagnosed. My parents cut the tags out of shirts. But if they wanted me to wear wool, I just itched and scratched. I lived to see another day.
Finally, and here is where you’re gonna want to hurt me :). Trauma is an overused word. Like, way overused. Trauma is not having strict parents. If your parents beat the poo out of you everyday, that is real trauma. Trauma is not being in love with a narcissist. Unless they are physically abusive, of course. Trauma certainly isn’t your boss yelling at you. Being sleep deprived and being hungry are minor inconveniences that hopefully are for short periods of time. I worked for one of the most notoriously difficult directors. A huge asshole. He yelled at us. He cursed at us. He would even physically assault us in basketball. Talk about a fouler! Was I scared of him? Hell no. Was anyone else? To my knowledge, one guy who complained about everything anyway. I worked in a male dominated industry. Irritation comes with it. I’ve “sexually harassed” as much as I’ve been “sexually harassed.”
I think my point is that people need to stop going to therapy and to go get bullied. You will have to deal with bullies because people are jerks. Learn how to deal with. Learn to stand up for yourself. The world doesn’t have “safe spaces” outside of your home. I’m generalizing, here, but I think you get the point.
I really appreciate this conversation and am thankful for your well thought out responses.
Wait! I didn’t mean to imply that sexual harassment doesn’t exist. That can be traumatic depending on the individual. I was talking about jokes. Sorry for the confusion.
Oh, heck yes to mushrooms! I had insane experiences because I took something like 10 grams in a day. Actually, a lot of people have responded to me promoting mushrooms by mentioning people losing it on LSD so maybe there's something to that -- but there are stories of people getting depressed or even committing suicide after mushrooms. It's sort of like being "A Christmas Carol"-ed at high doses combined with diving into the spirit realm, and I think some people can't really get over what they learn about themselves and the world. But it's insane what they're capable of healing. On a really high dose once, I watched a bad cut on my hand start to rapidly heal (not entirely, but it looked way better after mushrooms than before).
I'm skeptical of most PhDs and MDs too, at least in the West :-/ And no doubt therapy-culture and the infusion of therapy-speak into every day life is not helping (to say the least).
ADHD/autism (etc) are all over-diagnosed, as the definitions have broadened -- but at the same time, the symptoms of these disorders are more common and more extreme now than they were generations ago. This is largely because of environmental factors, hormone disruptors and poor nutrition. High toxic loads. Intersecting with vulnerable genetics and the social factors. Dismissing the environmental factors is a mistake; children are being poisoned. And chronic sleep deprivation can really screw up a person.
I'm not trying to make excuses for fragility so much as explain it. I agree that most young people are not being traumatized in the same way or to the same extremes as past generations. Human history is horrible. I'm pro-toughness, and I've personally found that responding to sexual harassment or something annoying like a guy grabbing my ass with a well-timed bitchy comment or a smack to the face or bottom of the rib cage to be way more effective than crying victim. I'm not that bothered by overt bullies, because they can motivate you and they usually respect a challenge -- cry-bullying I find harder to deal with because there's no good way to fight back. I dislike the "safe space" thing too.
I respect your toughness, but I think with the younger generations especially telling them (at least some of them) to "toughen up" isn't going to work. I think complex PTSD is real, but that some people are more vulnerable to it than others and it can manifest in different ways. However, I'm torn as to whether it's a useful concept -- on the one hand, I'm drawn to using it over DSM diagnoses because it implies that issues are wounds which can heal (as opposed to conditions which are static). On the other hand, it seems like some people really lean into the wounded thing (very unhealthy) and in cases where someone has taken the tough-approach to chronic trauma, I don't think it's helpful to try to convince them they are actually traumatized. If that makes sense.
I have a lot of long essays on this site trying to pick apart the various environmental and cultural factors contributing to the "mental health epidemic". It's wild what I've found following different threads. I have an essay coming out next week on how folic acid supplementation and fortification might be intersecting with vulnerable genes to contribute to the crisis.
The factors I'm most interested in are early childhood nurture, loneliness, and a sense of family/community. For example --
A peasant couple live with a baby in a war zone. Both parents are stressed out, and there's a shortage of food (but what food is available is healthy and natural and mom and other female relatives are patient cooks who do their best with what they have). Father is absent lots for work to make ends meet. They are surrounded by extended family. The baby has few toys. The family all shares a bed. When there are scary noises outside, fear, danger etc, the baby is cuddled by mom and breastfeeds. Relatives are killed. The family grieves together.
A rich couple live with a baby in an expensive city. Both parents are stressed out, and don't have time to cook so they feed lots of pricy processed baby foods. Father is absent lots for work to make partner at the law firm. Mom is also high-powered, so she sleep-trains the baby, skips breastfeeding for formula, hires a night-nurse and then a nanny and then puts the baby in daycare once she can, and goes back to work at 6 weeks. There's no war. No relatives die, but the family lives so far away from relatives the baby doesn't know any besides her parents anyway. The baby is given all the toys you can imagine. She has her own room and her own bed. When there are scary noises outside, her parents ignore her cries for ages, hoping she'll fall back asleep, and if one of them does go get her, the parent is clearly resentful of being woken up.
Wow! We agree on so many parts of the issue. We diverge somewhat on bullying and more so on what constitutes trauma. I’m sort of game on the environmental factors l, but need to see provable evidence.
Telling kids AND adults to toughen up should be the response to 9 out of 10 of those crying bully. I like your style in dealing with sexual harassment. I react in the same way. I refuse to give people power over me. This isn’t to say that if it were a power play or overt sexual advances, I’d scream bloody murder. But that might be because I’m litigious. :)
My answer to the question posed is the child of war is the only one traumatized in your scenarios. Your second scenario is just shitty parenting, which the child may or may not need therapy for. My point, more so, is that they do not require years of therapy. There is nothing wrong with letting a child cry themselves to sleep. That isn’t to say that you don’t first try to soothe them, but letting them cry for an hour hurts your ears more than it hurts them.
Also, why don’t the Richie’s hire a nanny? We had one until my younger sister was in school and my parents were well off, but nowhere near super wealthy. She was my daytime parent and she treated me as such. In my family, we were taught to respect our elders regardless of our relationship. Like, do parents even teach their children respect anymore? If the state of the nation doesn’t prove that they don’t, I don’t know what does.
I say all of this with a clear memory of my first panic attack. I was a few months shy of two, and my brothers and I were taking a bath in the tub. When my mom pulled out the stopper, I swore that my brother was going to follow the water down the drain. It must’ve been traumatic, at the time, since I still remember it. My mom says she made him sit there until there was no water. Once I saw that he didn’t go down the drain, trauma healed. It took 30 seconds. Of course, I’m being a bit flippant here but it’s just an example. I was forced in that moment to live with being uncomfortable and uncertain. And here I am telling you about it with a smile on my face.
I just happened to stumble upon this article. It’s actually inspired me to post my first article, I think. I’m adhd so I can’t make promises. I will, however, definitely check out your other posts. We have very similar interests. Hope you’re having a great weekend!!
For the record -- I am not trying to claim that people like Gabor Mate or Bessel van der Kolk (or anyone else) are above criticism when I defend them here; my issue is that Shrier does not engage with their arguments in good faith. Personally, I do NOT think all adult mental illness can or should be attributed primarily to "childhood trauma." For one thing, as I mentioned a handful of times in this review, I think environmental and dietary factors are playing an ENORMOUS role. I also omitted discussion of Bessel van der Kolk's role in the "repressed memory" controversy, which I have mixed feelings on and have read mixed evidence on. I honestly could have written a whole book about this bookl; I have a word document of around 4,000 words of material I ended up cutting.
As well, I said that I got a lot out of the chapters on schools. But It's important to acknowledge that I'm in my mid-thirties and the mother of a toddler ... I haven't stepped foot in a grade school in eighteen years and really have no idea what's going on in them. Plus i'm Canadian. So if there are significant issues in these chapters, I wasn't exactly the person to catch them, and I'd love to hear from people who are more informed in the comments.
EDIT (April 9, 2024):
This review, published today, has some good criticisms of the chapters on schools (turns out I DID miss stuff, not surprising!). Also other great points.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/sax-on-sex/202404/is-bad-therapy-bad-therapy
EDIT (April 10):
I DEFINITELY missed a lot of stuff. Some good points came up in the thread with Franklin (below), and I suspect there's more. The review by Leonard Sax linked above points out that Shrier's examples from schools all seem to come from California, for example. He also points out that while Shrier claims her book is about "the fearful, the lonely, lost, and sad" not those with "profound mental illness", these are not actual two easily distinguished groups and it's not always easy for mental health experts to tell who needs what kind of help, how much someone is at risk etc. As well, I should have clarified that while I agree with Shrier that medication is OVER-prescribed, I do recognize that certain medications have their place and help many people.
Please drop a comment if you spotted anything I missed (etc). I tried to give Shrier the benefit of the doubt in this review, but suspect I was too generous / credulous.
Wow. This is a tour de force, Meghan. Thank you for diving so deeply and so critically into Shrier's book; I was intrigued by the title of it and the excerpted piece I read somewhere (Free Press, perhaps?)
What is it about human beings and the magic bullet? I suppose it's our predilection for short cuts, but man, Shrier's attempt to pin a phenomenon as large as children's lack of resilience on just "bad therapy" is kind of nuts. As you astutely point out, there are MYRIAD reasons why kids aren't growing up -- but that doesn't make for a catchy title or a hooked audience.
Thank you for such a comprehensive (and well-researched) review. Maybe YOU should write a book?? 😉
A very thorough review, thank you. I especially agree with “pick your experts carefully”. Early on, as young parents, we turned to Faber and Mazlish and found a great deal of helpful advice. Isabelle Filliozat has written wonderful books on parenting focusing on the neuroscience behind behavior; and gives advice based on research. I think they have been translated from the French into several languages. We also did attachment parenting, co-sleeping,long-term breast feeding, and all 3 of our kids are confident and gregarious individuals. Have some rules, stick to them and give plenty love 💕
I haven't heard of any of those authors! I found William Sears to be fairly helpful. I think it's easy to slip into the "there's a lot of bad parenting books out there therefore all parenting books are bad" thinking, but of course that's nonsense. I think problems arise when parents stick to parenting books (even good ones) too rigidly, using them as instruction manuals instead of loose guidelines or suggestions.
You quoted in your piece the book “How to speak so your kids will listen, how to listen so you kids will speak.” This is by the Canadian authors Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish. They provide training packs for parents to host discussion evenings: the Tupperware party equivalent of positive parenting! We attended some of these sessions with other young parents when our first child was born and it was just such a relief to hear that other parents were struggling too. Yes, there is some great parenting literature out there, but sadly, as you say, a lot of rubbish! X
Ohhh haha! I haven't read that book, it was one Shrier mentioned! I looked up the authors quickly and noted their educational background but forgot their names. (My memory is unusually good but I'm not a computer or anything :-p). Shrier gave one example of advice from it (don't punish kids) that I agree probably isn't the best advice, but honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if she took them WAY out of context. I didn't have the source material to check like I did with Gabor Mate, Bessel van der Kolk, and Siegel & Bryson. But frankly almost every time I DID check one of Shrier's sources or citations it turned out to be exaggerated, out of context, grossly skewed, incorrect, or non-existent so I suspect it's a mistake to trust any claim in Bad Therapy.
Yes, that does seem totally out of context. F&M are against corporal and humiliating punishments, which I think we can all agree are detrimental to a child (and adults alike). They offer excellent alternatives to traditional punishments that trigger the frontal cortex and help children to understand what they’ve done wrong and how to atone for their misdeeds. The focus on verbalizing emotions has worked wonders for our kids, and they are able today to open up and share their feelings. NB. it’s a continual learning process and we’ve made tons of mistakes too. Parents shouldn’t aim for perfection, it’s impossible 😅
Oof, so yes, misleading then. Shrier implies they claim ALL punishments are bad, no specifics (on page 189 of Bad Therapy). I think she might have done something similar to Gabor Mate (she claims he told Joe Rogan that time outs will traumatize a child but I suspect he said something more nuanced, I just didn't want to go and watch the 3-hour interview to fact check her). I tried to give Abigail Shrier the benefit of the doubt in this review, but I'm starting to suspect that was a mistake. I don't think she's stupid, which leaves the likelihood that she is frequently deliberately misleading readers. I'm starting to collect a list of issues I missed, might have to do a follow up post along the lines of "Worse Journalism Than I Realized" (or a better title I'll think of later, idk, I'm half-kidding, but I feel like I barely scratched the surface of issues with this book and there are people out there hailing it as a "masterpiece"!)
Gabor mate does say timeouts are traumatizing, and I agree with him. I think he usually brings that up in context of jordan peterson saying you put a child away until they are willing to behave for you, which mate considers as leaning in to conditional love from the parent. I think timeouts are for parents whose other alternative is to hit their kids. I don't think anyone outside of the west does timeouts. I grew up in india and if a kid misbehaved in a group setting, they'd be scolded and made to get on with the program, or be pacified.
We can’t really at the same time condemn and condone an act; it’s pretty confusing. The physical pain still comes from another person (not like stubbing one’s toe) and that has a psychological impact.
I see your point about other techniques doing probable damage, and I know that I have lost my temper and shouted and scared my kids when I should have kept my cool. It’s not an easy ride being a parent; that’s where good, psychologically tested techniques come into play. Thankfully there are some good ones on the market. 🙏
I think *narrative* matters! Okay, so a boy whacks his sister, gets a mild spanking, the narrative in his mind is going to be different than if he got a spanking for doing something like playing video games instead of homework or not weeding the garden fast enough. A toddler keeps running out into the street, and a panicked mother spanks him so he stops doing that and is safe. A different narrative than a toddler who, say, gets a spanking for accidentally spilling a glass of milk. Same with yelling ... there's a difference between a parent losing their temper on a rare extreme occasion, and a parent who yells abusive crap at a child for two hours. There's a difference between a spanking that happens right away, versus one that happens after an hour of shouting insult.
I've talked to several people who were both yelled at and spanked as kids. All of us say that being yelled at was more upsetting and long-term emotionally scarring than being spanked. (Mild/moderate spanking, not anything close to resembling serious physical harm). Context, context, context.
Both corporal and verbal abuse are damaging, the research is clear. It’s hard to say which is worse; as you say “context” is important. I saw siblings and friends abused physically and/or psychologically and what has struck me is that a significant majority have not passed these traits on; though many have substance issues, (Worth noting). We’re constantly evolving and finding better techniques with science and research; we need to learn and propagate healthier practices. It’s up to us to make an effort. X
Agreed! Western parenting has been corrupt for a long time, but there are many parents / families who are healing, doing better with each generation. Excerpt from an earlier Substack post on parenting books:
"According to Darcia F. Narvaez, PhD, author of the Psychology Today column “Moral Landscapes”:
“In our culture, we have pretty much unnested our children. We are missing most of the components of what helps a baby grow into their full potential, their systems to develop properly. That’s the unnestedness.” (quoted from The Myth of Normal (2022) by Gabor and Daniel Maté, page 167)
Narvaez characterizes Western parenting as being long “off the rails.” Her work frequently compares Western (and “colonial”) parenting practices over the past few centuries with Indigenous practices of childrearing, noting that Indigenous peoples in the Americas were “shocked” at the harsh parenting practices of the colonizers. Narvaez advocates for the “decolonization” of child-rearing, a call which is conspicuously absent from most of the mainstream “woke” rhetoric on the subject (leftist calls for government-subsidized universal daycare would be an example of further “colonizing” child-rearing, ironically)."
I think any form of corporal punishment teaches kids that physical violence is acceptable in certain circumstances. If we hit our partner, neighbor, or colleague we get arrested; so why is it ok to hit little defenseless humans? That’s my two cents. X
I see your point, but I worry that by avoiding spanking, many parents are resorting to stuff like prolonged yelling, guilt-tripping, shaming, and verbal manipulation, which may do more long-term damage. A mild spanking stops hurting after a few seconds. We forget physical pain easily. But emotional and psychological pain can stick around, really screw with you.
Physical violence IS acceptable in certain circumstances; such as in self-defence. If a guy gropes me, I think it's fine for me to slap him or give him a whack at the bottom of the sternum. (Not drawing parallels to spanking kids, but, for example, when my parents spanked my brother, it was usually because he had done something violent to me, e.g. the time he beat me up with his skateboard. Having grown up with a violently-inclined brother, I'm sympathetic to Abigail Shrier's argument that using "gentle" parenting when a kid hits his sibling is not particularly "gentle" to the sibling who just got hit).
The Nurtured Heart
and
The Explosive Child
very good books for kids who need very good parenting
Dr. Sears book also
Babies, in general
Thanks for this piece. I had some misgivings about her book but you put them into words. I share her skepticism of “parenting experts” and “gentle parenting”, and I can’t respond to a lot of her criticism of people like Daniel Siegel or “parenting experts” because I haven’t read most of their work and I try to read less parenting literature these days. When my first child was born, I drove myself crazy with these books. But even without having read their books, her characterization of some of their views seem… cartoonish? Is that the right word?
(I DO have Siegel’s book on my shelf. Maybe I ought to read it? I will say, I’ve been disappointed in some of the authors commonly recommended alongside him such as the gentle parenting authors, so admittedly after I finished their books, I never bothered to pick up his. My own parenting is going well enough anyway- my toddlers are well regulated, capable little girls. Everyone I know says so, even my eldest’s preschool teacher. I credit books like “Hunt, Gather, Parent” with giving me the confidence to do things according to instinct. So I actively try to read fewer parenting books. They were making me anxious and I don’t need to fix what ain’t broke).
But even without having read it, some of her characterizations of their arguments seem like straw men to me. I did read one book that Mate coauthored with Gordon Neufeld (Hold Onto Your Kids), which seemed sensible to me.
Honestly, I wouldn't recommend The Whole Brain Child to a lot of people, unless they were looking for something really basic. I listened to it on audiobook at 1.5x speed. The science in it is good but it's written in a for-dummies kind of way that I found obnoxious (I don't think I'm the target audience though!). I really just thought it was dumb that Shrier didn't bother to read it when it would have taken her maybe four hours tops and she would have avoided a lot of stupid errors if she had bothered. Glad to hear your kids are doing well! I'd avoid most parenting books LOL. The Mate/Neufeld one I haven't read but from what I've heard it's one of the best.
Also, just because of your user name, are you familiar with this haunting song? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oiL9ItjmHRw
I had a lousy childhood. Parents repressed trauma and are codependent but attractive and assertive so no one can see it. Teachers, therapists, etc, everyone tried to get through to them but the problem was never them. They’re monoliths, to be honest. They’ve never changed in the 42 years I’ve known them. They have no hobbies. Because they’re so self-confident, they were actually susceptible to any attack that wasn’t direct and so they were manipulated and groomed by an abuser who wanted access to me and got it. Ruined my life and they’ve paid me lip service but they don’t have the emotional depth to really understand. And yet….. They’re beloved, actually. Women worship my mother and defend and emulate her. Men who are more successful than my father swear by him and also try to emulate him. It’s the most disturbing thing. Good people who can’t trust they’re good people and can’t trust their instincts. The most important thing you can do as a parent is work on yourself. Children are emulators. You can talk to them all you want but you can’t stop them from copying you. Imo, the more you can do to deal with your own issues, the more you pay it forward to your children. It’s even written in the Bible. That’s how long we’ve known children will pay for what they’re parents won’t handle. Great review btw.
Thank you for your effort to address the book's shortcomings, which seems to have been a lot of work. You wrote in your footnote that "the possibility that young people are more fragile than they used to be in part because they’re being poisoned by pollution, pesticides, pharmaceuticals, and processed foods". I would encourage you to write an essay on this topic as well. I would love to read it!
I currently have one in the works on the possible issues with synthetic vitamins, including prenatal vitamins and food "fortification"! Will definitely be returning to this topic a lot.
https://www.instagram.com/reel/C5xR5sdPa5x/?igsh=MW12b3R4eWlydTdpcQ==
Yes, I read about this study a while ago (I think it's at least 15 years old). Great example as to why "gifted" programs are not necessarily a good idea ... and as the study predicts, a lot of former "gifted" kids don't want to challenge themselves, won't try something unless they think they can do it perfectly the first time etc.
That was a lot of words to say that rather than encouraging children to face and deal with their feelings and forget about them, they should keep the memories alive by talking about them all the time. Not every feeling needs to be explored. In fact, I don’t think they’re important at all. When I told my parents that they’d hurt my feelings, they straight told me that they didn’t care. There were no dinner choices. We did as we were told. And they weren’t bad parents.
I think Shrier’s point was that parents these days don’t take the responsibility of raising their children. They give them too many choices and not enough responsibilities. Therapy is meant to be a short term solution. A good therapist will give you the tools necessary to not see them anymore. But today’s therapist will diagnose you with anything to keep you coming back.
Sorry if I'm misinterpreting your comment, but are you implying that's what this essay is arguing (kids should talk about memories all the time?) because I argued the opposite and that wasn't my criticism of Shrier's book. I'm pretty blunt with my own toddler, and she eats whatever we eat for dinner (usually without fuss).
Quote from essay:
"I did “attachment” parenting, but I’m not a “gentle” parent. I say no all the time, give orders, tell my kid she can’t have toast until she finishes her eggs, and say things that are messy and authentic instead of scripted and eerily perfect."
I also acknowledged the strengths of Bad Therapy, but she gets a lot wrong and oversimplifies the complicated issue of the youth mental health crisis, and a lot of her advice could backfire, in some cases dangerously. One of the cruxes of her book is that most kids aren't severely mentally ill and don't need therapy but parents who push them to grow up and be more independent. The problem is that it's not always obvious who is seriously struggling or not. Another review of this book mentioned a case study of a college student who seemed to have everything going for her, but got depressed in university -- the exact archetype of the kind of kid Shrier would claim doesn't need professional help. That girl committed suicide.
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean you, specifically. I meant today’s parents, in general. Also, I apologize for my tone. Maybe I did misread.
Yes. That is the crux of one of her arguments that I wholeheartedly agree with. How can we tell who’s severe or not if everyone says they have a problem? And what if one therapist gives a diagnosis and another gives a competing diagnosis or simply says that the kid is adolescent. They’re moody.
Children are far more resilient than adults think. I know. I used to be one. I am ADHD and bipolar 1. I was diagnosed at 36 and 38, respectively. I never had therapy, so I just figured it out. You learn to cope when you’re forced to. I’m not sure if you’ve seen Sixteen Candles, but parents used to be the ones pushing their nerdy son into the gym forcing him to join the party with the other kids. He was a geeky kid, so I imagine he had “social anxiety.” Parents need to push their kids into the gym instead of having them learn that they can cop out instead of facing their crap. Sorry, could only think of one other word and I didn’t want to seem mad or aggressive.
It’s sucks that the girl committed suicide. I wouldn’t wish that on any family. However, one tragedy doesn’t prove a point. Do we know whether she tried therapy? What was she being treated for? How are therapists to know who to treat when they are inundated by clients who really just need to buck up? Also, my son presents as depressed when he’s one of the happiest people I know. Some would have him therapy because he seems sullen/glum. He would’ve been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder because he’s shy. Same with me. And it’s ok.
Do you agree that PTSD is over diagnosed? I’d actually been thinking about that well before reading the book. PTSD is way over diagnosed. I didn’t even know we had so many children who faced combat…of any kind.
Ah, okay, gotcha. I honestly don't know how to answer most of this because it's such a case by case kind of thing, and I think sometimes the people who are suffering the most are also the ones who make the least noise about it. Some therapists and therapies really help some people, but so many therapists these days seem to be doing way more harm than good. I tried therapy for a variety of issues, and I think it helped me in some ways but my mental health got worse. Then I took an insane amount of magic mushrooms and that pulled me right out of it. I wanted to share that with everyone, because I thought because it helped me it would help others. But talking to doctors etc about my experience, and I hear stories of people who completely deteriorate on mushrooms. Thought more about it and looked more into it and realized it's not the kind of experience everyone can handle.
I agree more parents need to push their kids to the gym :-) (etc)
Re PTSD, I don't think it's common by the old-school definition (acute trauma, as in warfare) but when you look at complex PTSD -- which is ongoing milder trauma more of an emotional nature (e.g. growing up in an abusive or neglectful home, being in a relationship with a narcissist who undermines your mental health, working a crappy job with long hours and a boss who insults you so you're sleep deprived and stress eating junk) and other chronic stresses on our systems, then I think almost everyone has "trauma" to some extent or another. But I also think young people are less resilient these days due to environmental factors -- more kids are being born with genes that increase sensitivity (I don't think anyone knows why but it's a thing), diets are poorer, more hormone disruptors etc. Nutrient deficiencies can sap your strength, resilience. I mentioned this in this essay, but I explore it a bit more in some recent ones and have more in the works about it. It's kind of a tangle, but I really think at a biochemical level the younger generations are suffering more than our generations and older did -- regardless of actual levels of trauma.
I shroom, too. I’ve taken them since high school. I wish I had as profound experience as you did! I’ve never heard of anyone losing it on shrooms. LSD, though, is a different story. Ha.
I’m more apt to believe that cPTSD simply doesn’t exist, as the author does. We keep pathologizing every little “bad” emotion. I agree that therapists are bad. There are too many out there not to be. I hold an MA, too. I want someone who’s gone to med school or has a PhD. Therapists should not be able to diagnose. I don’t trust them.
Kids are less resilient because they never face obstacles. Since there is no proof of environmental factors, I don’t believe the claim. There is nothing wrong with the majority of children. It’s all junk science. Why would they be suffering more today? Do they have to walk five miles uphill in the snow to get to school? Were they raised by Vietnam vets? Did they live through the crack epidemic or gang wars? Are they victims of systemic racism, because most of them are white, I’d say no.
I have sensory issues. It’s a symptom of adhd, which is outstandingly over diagnosed. My parents cut the tags out of shirts. But if they wanted me to wear wool, I just itched and scratched. I lived to see another day.
Finally, and here is where you’re gonna want to hurt me :). Trauma is an overused word. Like, way overused. Trauma is not having strict parents. If your parents beat the poo out of you everyday, that is real trauma. Trauma is not being in love with a narcissist. Unless they are physically abusive, of course. Trauma certainly isn’t your boss yelling at you. Being sleep deprived and being hungry are minor inconveniences that hopefully are for short periods of time. I worked for one of the most notoriously difficult directors. A huge asshole. He yelled at us. He cursed at us. He would even physically assault us in basketball. Talk about a fouler! Was I scared of him? Hell no. Was anyone else? To my knowledge, one guy who complained about everything anyway. I worked in a male dominated industry. Irritation comes with it. I’ve “sexually harassed” as much as I’ve been “sexually harassed.”
I think my point is that people need to stop going to therapy and to go get bullied. You will have to deal with bullies because people are jerks. Learn how to deal with. Learn to stand up for yourself. The world doesn’t have “safe spaces” outside of your home. I’m generalizing, here, but I think you get the point.
I really appreciate this conversation and am thankful for your well thought out responses.
Wait! I didn’t mean to imply that sexual harassment doesn’t exist. That can be traumatic depending on the individual. I was talking about jokes. Sorry for the confusion.
Oh, heck yes to mushrooms! I had insane experiences because I took something like 10 grams in a day. Actually, a lot of people have responded to me promoting mushrooms by mentioning people losing it on LSD so maybe there's something to that -- but there are stories of people getting depressed or even committing suicide after mushrooms. It's sort of like being "A Christmas Carol"-ed at high doses combined with diving into the spirit realm, and I think some people can't really get over what they learn about themselves and the world. But it's insane what they're capable of healing. On a really high dose once, I watched a bad cut on my hand start to rapidly heal (not entirely, but it looked way better after mushrooms than before).
I'm skeptical of most PhDs and MDs too, at least in the West :-/ And no doubt therapy-culture and the infusion of therapy-speak into every day life is not helping (to say the least).
ADHD/autism (etc) are all over-diagnosed, as the definitions have broadened -- but at the same time, the symptoms of these disorders are more common and more extreme now than they were generations ago. This is largely because of environmental factors, hormone disruptors and poor nutrition. High toxic loads. Intersecting with vulnerable genetics and the social factors. Dismissing the environmental factors is a mistake; children are being poisoned. And chronic sleep deprivation can really screw up a person.
I'm not trying to make excuses for fragility so much as explain it. I agree that most young people are not being traumatized in the same way or to the same extremes as past generations. Human history is horrible. I'm pro-toughness, and I've personally found that responding to sexual harassment or something annoying like a guy grabbing my ass with a well-timed bitchy comment or a smack to the face or bottom of the rib cage to be way more effective than crying victim. I'm not that bothered by overt bullies, because they can motivate you and they usually respect a challenge -- cry-bullying I find harder to deal with because there's no good way to fight back. I dislike the "safe space" thing too.
I respect your toughness, but I think with the younger generations especially telling them (at least some of them) to "toughen up" isn't going to work. I think complex PTSD is real, but that some people are more vulnerable to it than others and it can manifest in different ways. However, I'm torn as to whether it's a useful concept -- on the one hand, I'm drawn to using it over DSM diagnoses because it implies that issues are wounds which can heal (as opposed to conditions which are static). On the other hand, it seems like some people really lean into the wounded thing (very unhealthy) and in cases where someone has taken the tough-approach to chronic trauma, I don't think it's helpful to try to convince them they are actually traumatized. If that makes sense.
I have a lot of long essays on this site trying to pick apart the various environmental and cultural factors contributing to the "mental health epidemic". It's wild what I've found following different threads. I have an essay coming out next week on how folic acid supplementation and fortification might be intersecting with vulnerable genes to contribute to the crisis.
The factors I'm most interested in are early childhood nurture, loneliness, and a sense of family/community. For example --
A peasant couple live with a baby in a war zone. Both parents are stressed out, and there's a shortage of food (but what food is available is healthy and natural and mom and other female relatives are patient cooks who do their best with what they have). Father is absent lots for work to make ends meet. They are surrounded by extended family. The baby has few toys. The family all shares a bed. When there are scary noises outside, fear, danger etc, the baby is cuddled by mom and breastfeeds. Relatives are killed. The family grieves together.
A rich couple live with a baby in an expensive city. Both parents are stressed out, and don't have time to cook so they feed lots of pricy processed baby foods. Father is absent lots for work to make partner at the law firm. Mom is also high-powered, so she sleep-trains the baby, skips breastfeeding for formula, hires a night-nurse and then a nanny and then puts the baby in daycare once she can, and goes back to work at 6 weeks. There's no war. No relatives die, but the family lives so far away from relatives the baby doesn't know any besides her parents anyway. The baby is given all the toys you can imagine. She has her own room and her own bed. When there are scary noises outside, her parents ignore her cries for ages, hoping she'll fall back asleep, and if one of them does go get her, the parent is clearly resentful of being woken up.
Which baby will be traumatized?
Wow! We agree on so many parts of the issue. We diverge somewhat on bullying and more so on what constitutes trauma. I’m sort of game on the environmental factors l, but need to see provable evidence.
Telling kids AND adults to toughen up should be the response to 9 out of 10 of those crying bully. I like your style in dealing with sexual harassment. I react in the same way. I refuse to give people power over me. This isn’t to say that if it were a power play or overt sexual advances, I’d scream bloody murder. But that might be because I’m litigious. :)
My answer to the question posed is the child of war is the only one traumatized in your scenarios. Your second scenario is just shitty parenting, which the child may or may not need therapy for. My point, more so, is that they do not require years of therapy. There is nothing wrong with letting a child cry themselves to sleep. That isn’t to say that you don’t first try to soothe them, but letting them cry for an hour hurts your ears more than it hurts them.
Also, why don’t the Richie’s hire a nanny? We had one until my younger sister was in school and my parents were well off, but nowhere near super wealthy. She was my daytime parent and she treated me as such. In my family, we were taught to respect our elders regardless of our relationship. Like, do parents even teach their children respect anymore? If the state of the nation doesn’t prove that they don’t, I don’t know what does.
I say all of this with a clear memory of my first panic attack. I was a few months shy of two, and my brothers and I were taking a bath in the tub. When my mom pulled out the stopper, I swore that my brother was going to follow the water down the drain. It must’ve been traumatic, at the time, since I still remember it. My mom says she made him sit there until there was no water. Once I saw that he didn’t go down the drain, trauma healed. It took 30 seconds. Of course, I’m being a bit flippant here but it’s just an example. I was forced in that moment to live with being uncomfortable and uncertain. And here I am telling you about it with a smile on my face.
I just happened to stumble upon this article. It’s actually inspired me to post my first article, I think. I’m adhd so I can’t make promises. I will, however, definitely check out your other posts. We have very similar interests. Hope you’re having a great weekend!!
I found this very interesting x