I'm fairly sure the average man likes women noticeably larger and curvier than the average woman thinks he does. Of course, individual guys have preferences, but very few like really skinny women with no curves (Kate Moss in the 90s).
This has been my experience ... I'm not sure how much the pressure to be very thin has changed since I was in my teens. It kind of seems like it's coming back though. I'm not sure. Ozempic culture worries me.
We're definitely pendulum swinging back from "body positivity ". Now there's "looksmaxing" content for guys as well, which is getting equally wild with dudes straight up doing steroids to look jacked.
Yeah, I mean, I wasn't a fan of where "body positivity" went either because it promoted poor health. The steroids thing is weird to me because I've always found it a massive turnoff when a guy is too jacked. A little jacked (like many women, I'm a shoulders gal), athletic, is sexy to me, but I'd honestly pick a guy with a little bit of extra body fat (softer for hugs and cuddles) over a guy with ripped abs any day.
But this is what I mean by one person's 6 is another's 9. A 'roided up dude who spends two hours per day at the gym or whatever has always been an auto-no for me (e.g. the personal trainer I mentioned in this essay was very jacked, and I imagine a lot of women thought he was really hot, but I rejected him).
You're right. The steroids shit is destroying young men, psychologically, and the damage will continue after, if, they quit, because they will have postponed the reckoning we all have to make with our bodies. These young men are drug addicts, who lift weights. In my day, we were weight lifters who eschewed drugs. And I continue to lift weights because it was never a gimmick. And in weight lifting, sans drugs, one learns who your best self is, not just physically, but emotionally.
I'm forever grateful for my therapist pointing out when I was younger that there is a kind of effervescence and aliveness that almost entirely transcends body shape and features and is far more powerful and magnetic.
I firmly believe that *loving being alive* has a lot to do with people seeing beauty in you, and it also says something real about who you are in the world. Great piece.
Yeah, OKCupid. It's the only app I ever used (I met almost every guy I've been with out in the real world, but the 2020 lockdowns was an unusually good time to meet people who sincerely wanted a relationship on OKCupid at least). I like that pic too. It was taken at a music festival I got free tickets to because I did some freelance work for the company that put it on back in the day.
. You're from BC, Canada, right? I think that prob informs your experiences re: fellas not caring about makeup and other feminine trappings. I'm Irish (as in, actually from Ireland) and my boyfriend grew up in BC. He genuinely prefers me without makeup, and overall isn't really drawn to that kinda "super-stimuli" based exaggerated hyper-femininity. (Obv still likes it when I dress to suit my figure/stay in shape/have nice hair/smell good/etc etc.)
Whereas some Irish men I know claim they like a natural look, and sometimes even(performatively?) bitch about women wearing too much makeup, but when you take a peep at their revealed preferences- girlfriends, exes, picz they like on insta, who they ogle on the street- it's usually the girls who are accentuating femininity in this super-stimulating way that they are drawn to.
Of course, there's also many men who straight-up expect this from a woman, and seem to consider one who's not doing the whole makeup/fake tan/acrylics/fake lashes/hair extensions thing to be kinda butch. There's a certain beauty standard based on overt and exaggerated feminine trappings of that kind, that is esp prevalent in working class/lower middle class culture in Ireland and the UK (an even more heightened version of this can be seen in Irish Traveller culture specifically). Men who grew up in these cultures do just generally find it more hot.
But both men and women from other cultures that prize a more subdued femininity kinda see this as a bit trashy and OTT or whatever. I've noticed this attitude from both upper middle class types, or people from cultures/subcultures that prize a more outdoorsy, pragmatic vibe from both sexes- my experience with BC's culture indicates that it pretty much exemplifies the latter.
It works for me tho, since I agree with your points regarding the self-perpetuating loop that things like makeup/bras/etc create, and I like having some time and mental bandwidth freed up by not having to worry about this shit. I also agree that keeping an overall baseline level of health is gonna raise any individual's floor for attractiveness (as well as being good for many other objectives!). But I think it's always going to be easier for women in certain cultures/subcultures, or who have a less conformist bent to their personalities, to make the decision to forego these beauty standards. We have less to lose.
Showed your comment to my husband -- he said that heavy make-up and hyper-sexual clothes signal sexual availability and that women dressed that way are more likely to be approached by men looking for sex, whereas naturally beautiful women who are low/no make-up and comfortable-but-feminine dressers are more likely to be coded as girlfriend or wife material. This checks out.
There’s something else at play here that I don’t entirely know how to express. Men WANT to admire female beauty, and especially a husband WANTS to find his wife pretty. The game is rigged in most women’s favour, and yet they engage as if they’re one wrong move away from social disaster - or in some cases assume their husband is creepy and insincere because she isn’t actually attractive and so he is just saying that to get sex.
Is there a tendency for women to have a “winner take all” mentality around attraction - only the prettiest get the win? Whereas most boys would happily date the 15th prettiest girl in the grade and call it a win
I think the male bias towards “natural” comes from two places:
One is reproductive. A man looks at a woman and imagines his future children - the more “artificial” a woman’s appearance the less this tracks
The other is honesty and mental state. A woman who is happy in her own skin - who can accept admiration when fully made up and when looking disheveled - is emotionally healthy and reflects joy. A woman who is dissatisfied with who she is - physically or emotionally - bleeds this into every interaction
Yeah, I am from BC. But I've seen this play out in other parts of Canada too, and when I've still been hit on with very little to no make-up on when I've travelled in the US / Europe / Asia (never been to Ireland though). To your point though, I only gave up mascara recently so I was usually wearing it back then, and I usually wear/wore comfortable but reasonably flattering dresses and if I was going to a night club or something, a reasonably comfortable but still flattering pair of heels.
I think this goes to the "accurate" advertising part somewhat -- if you doll up in a hyper-feminine, very made-up way you'll attract men who are mostly into that (and feel the need to keep it up) whereas a more simple (but still feminine) will typically attract a different type of guy.
I'm not against maximizing one's beauty (or handsomeness) in ways that aren't harming or, ideally, are actively improving your long-term health (though I do think too much emphasis is put on physical appearance, and it's going to take time away from the pursuit of other interests ... or stuff like sleep).
It bothers me that so many products are toxic and addictive -- and it kind of seems like there's smear campaigns against the natural products which work pretty well. I've tried the castor oil thing and my face did look way better afterward, but if you Google it the AI search results assure you that it does not replace Botox. Google AI and dermatologists also warn beef tallow will clog your pores and that it doesn't replace moisturizer and I've been using it for a while and not had that experience -- and the glowing reviews from other women on the social media of the brand I use indicate I am not alone there. (Beef tallow actually fixes chapped lips and kind of looks like lip gloss!! And myrrh essential oil will clear up a zit quickly and treat acne while improving your overall health and is not addictive! Etc.)
I was originally going to end this with a long list of natural products to replace the typical ones and beauty advice I'm giving my daughters but it seemed like a lot so I cut it. Maybe a mistake?
I absolutely agree that ultimately you're better off "advertising" yourself accurately, if you want a good long-term relationship. Personally, I go for a lot of those natural choices too. (here with my jojoba oil on as I type!). I still think some women have an easier time than others giving up on these options though. And some women clearly feel like spending time and energy on makeup/skincare/ whatever is worth it relative to all the other things they could be doing, and I find it interesting to consider their motives.
Your husband's point is interesting, and I would say there's def truth in it- but it stands out to me that he identifies the "naturally beautiful" women with less makeup as more desirable for girlfriend material. Like, no shit haha. Of course the ideal is a gorgeous woman who doesn't need makeup to be hot! But I can't really blame the less genetically/environmentally blessed girls for trying to seize on any advantage they can get. Yes, sure, many of them would prob have their skin clear up a little if they laid off the foundation and ate better. And certainly being in good shape helps a lot. But I've known girls who basically plastered on the illusion of a whole new bone structure every morning, and absolutely got attention they otherwise wouldn't with their natural plain looks. Some women are simply not naturally beautiful. Personally, I'm average looking, cute on a good day- and I'm OK with that. But I have other traits to hang my self-esteem on that have helped me find a good man. I was a pretty plain, unattractive teenager tho, and know what it's like to be invisible at best, disrespected at worst. So i can't really begrudge women who grasp onto any methods they can access to try and alleviate this state.
Alright, I'm getting a bit cynical here, lol. That said, I have a similar philosophy to you in terms of sticking to natural skincare, fibres, etc, and I think you have a good attitude to raising your daughters. The looksmaxxing bullshit annoys me, and in my ideal, personal world, people would focus on deeper shit, and women wouldn't feel the need to obsess on their looks, esp in harmful ways. But in this world, I suppose I feel compelled to show some sympathy for the ones who do. Esp because I still believe that in certain cultures/subcultures, it really is gonna have a bigger effect on your dating prospects, and a lot of women are not non-conformist enough in their temperament to deal with the penalties.
Goes the other way too -- the last time I used OKCupid (only date site I've used, and only three times -- most boyfriends I met out in the real world) and met my husband, he wasn't the best looking guy or the most/best educated (he has a masters) or the highest-earner who messaged me. But he had the kindest smile in his profile picture. And he played guitar. And we just clicked. I was actually seeing another guy before him, who I think was arguably better-looking, but it wasn't my husband's looks that won me over. It was him.
"Kind smile"? You mean attractive face? Also studies show that attractive people care more about attractiveness than unattractive ones, so you're wrong in article
Haha his smile (including eyes) seemed really kind, as did his written profile. And he is really kind. Attractive face too, but lots of people have attractive faces without kind smiles. My smile falls more firmly in the "awkward" box, for example, and my eyes / expressions get called "intense".
I've found that people who put a lot of work into looking attractive care more about finding an attractive partner, but I was talking about more casual beauties / hotties there, who generally want a partner they are attracted to but care just as much if not more about other things like humour and intelligence and sporty etc.
Those studies would presumably use photos of participants to rank attractiveness and people who wear make-up, practice posing and angles, and generally care more are going to look better in photos than someone who may be just as if not more beautiful in real life but is make-up free and less practiced in front of the camera. One of the reasons men struggle in online dating is most suck at taking good photos and are hotter in real life (whereas with women it tends to be the opposite).
I think that it's just because they can care about it but let's agree to disagree. I doubt there's studies controlling for putting effort in looking good.
Lol to clarify, only one of the women I'm thinking of who was very popular with guys while rarely wearing make-up has the bone structure of, say, a model. The rest are attractive and fit, however, some maybe would get "cute" more than "beautiful" by random dudes but I guess the thing is they're all pretty lovely people too and so once you know them you see them as "beautiful". I didn't mean, "naturally an objective 9/10 as would be ranked by random men".
On the flip side -- I once went to a cabin with some friends and one of their brother's brought a girlfriend who modelled. She woke up at 5am (or something like that) every day and spent over two hours applying make-up and doing her hair ... then wouldn't swim or run around or do anything that might mess up her hair and make-up. She looked great but everyone thought she was boring. Her boyfriend eventually broke up with her, and now he's happily married to an attractive (but perhaps more "cute") woman who is smart and kind and will, you know, going swimming with him and their kids.
And the thing is, I'm pretty sure that girl would have been attractive without all the make-up and hairstyling. More so, actually, because maybe then she would have jumped in the lake with us and had some fun.
Obviously women (and men) who are conventionally hot/fit/etc get less attention, but I've seen some people who aren't particularly good-looking attract really wonderful partners with a great personality, interesting hobbies and/or some sort of remarkable talent, and a sense of humour -- and some of the women did so without leaning hard on the make-up etc, or even make-up free most of the time.
One of the reasons I used the Hairspray image! I love that movie -- the talented, funny, kind, brave, but short and stout girl with the huge smile gets the guy, not the bitchy skinny bleach blonde with perfect make-up and clothes. Obviously fiction, but there's truth to the message.
Totally. And these women are, especially once you get to know them. But I'm not talking about women who would be recruited for modelling etc for example (for the most part). Some are short and curvy or have big noses etc but have that kind of glow that a healthy, intelligent person with a good sense of humour and a beautiful soul tend to have.
My point was that "modeling standards" don't have much to do with standards of real men. Most men don't care about height, many if not most men prefer curvier women, especially when we talk about feminine fat(there are fat distributions under skin that respond to estrogen). And the same with face, most men prefer cute faces. This is part of problem with make up too, it usually replaces cute features with aggressive one's.
You also have a good point re attitude. I was fairly good at at least pretending I didn't care what people thought of how I looked and was generally perceived as more confident without much make-up on than I was when I was wearing it (probably because it bothers my skin -- even the better quality stuff, I just don't want to put things on my face! I've only tried the castor oil thing a couple times even though I saw immediate results because it felt so gross lol) so much I get all twitchy and I don't feel like myself).
I am in Vancouver though and most people moved here from somewhere else, but the trend I noticed seemed to apply across races and immigrants / expats still seemed to prefer feminine women with less or no make-up (CLOTHING is a different matter! But you can dress sexy without wearing toxic fibres! And while it's obviously a bad idea to wear heels all day every day I really don't think it's a big deal health-wise to wear them out, maybe the odd blister).
Yes, my wife and I have similar mental health/neurodivergence issues. And we "met" via my writing. But neither of us has been mentally ill since we got married, because we keep each other happy and sane. We are a personality match, but find each other very attractive (even though I'm probably objectively not). And she doesn't wear makeup and I'm 100% fine with that.
I’m generally skeptical of “society tells women they need to—“ statements because no one has said most of these things to me. I generally don’t get aesthetic commandments from anyone. But I’ve been told by multiple people to get the mom cut. That one is always baffling to me, especially as I know most men including my husband like long hair. Other people are welcome to do what they want, but I’m not cutting my hair off. And the fact that people are encouraging me to do so weirds me out.
You’re articulating something critical here — as I said in the essay, I basically never got aesthetic commandments from men (other than the rare weight loss comment). When I did get them from women, they were almost always phrased as “Society tells women they need to—” or “As women we need to—” or “It’s so annoying that we need to—” etc, and it’s often been when I’ve said something like “Oh, I think I look fine without make-up” that I’ll get “No, you need it” from another woman.
This applies to a lot of stuff, actually. Other girls and women tell me that “society” or “patriarchy” or “our culture” sets x limits on girls and women and demands we do y aesthetic crap etc but the only “society” I’m actually hearing that from on a regular basis is women telling me “society” is telling me that.
I kept my long hair too, but oh man have the kids done a number on it. Babies love pulling out long hair.
I’ve always been skinny. Currently consistently at my heaviest, at 5’6” and 125-128lbs. A nontrivial number of men do like the skinny with not much ass or titties. I get hit on every now and again. I do have an amazing waist-to-hip ratio though. Only the baggiest shirts can hide it.
There’s one really big problem for me on the attracting males front, though. I rarely to never experience attraction. 😆 I could, and did at one point, call myself asexual, but I think what’s actually going on is a manifestation of avoidant attachment. I’m ok with taking a long time to find love—or even just forming better friendships and remaining single. I also am starting to suspect my iron levels have been bad all my life and that’s a contributing factor.
I do genuinely have a small bone structure, and small features in general: small head, face, thin lips, little nose, teensy hands, wrists small enough for child size bangles (ANNOYING for finding jewelry)… my feet are the average shoe size, and I’m a little bit above average height, but everything else is small. If my current iron correction causes me to gain a couple pounds or 10, that’s fine though. Staying at this weight is also fine, though I would like to have shoulder blades that don’t poke an eye out.
Also, I LOATHE that a lot of women think pear shaped is a bad thing. It’s a gorgeous body type, IMO. I’m probably biased, since that’s my body type (in skinny form), but oh well.
I had a good friend in university who was 5'9 and about 125-130 pounds and she was very healthy -- that was just her frame. Her sister was even taller and thinner! (Beautiful woman, my friend, rarely wore make-up, frequently look goofy pictures because she had a great sense of humour too). Some people accused her of having an eating disorder, but I lived with her, and she definitely did not.
Hahaha, I have a small head but biggish features. So it's funny because in photos it looks like my body is bigger than it is because of the contrast, and I can look a little elf-life. I was looking back on uni pictures and realized that from the hips to shoulders I actually had a very similar body as my friend above -- we shared dresses! The height difference was mostly that she had longer (and thinner) legs. I envied my taller friends because I wanted longer legs (I have the torso of a 5'8/9 woman) but some of my taller (and very beautiful) friends envied my height because it was harder for them to find guys who were considerably taller than them. The grass is always greener, I think, and you gotta learn to love the body God gave you.
I had issues with avoidant attachment, but it manifested in serial monogamy and being low-key kind of a heartbreaking slut. Not good. I also feel you on the baggy shirt. I like being comfortable, but I also wore them sometimes because I was avoiding attention.
I have issues with iron too. It's the worst! I eat a lot of blackstrap molasses and was eating beef liver for a while, but ugh. I need to find a good beef liver supplement the actual stuff made me feel great but I couldn't with the taste. You can buy grass-fed ground beef with heart and liver mixed in it (like maybe 10-15% of the meat), and you barely notice!!. I'm trying to avoid eating red meat and dairy together to get my iron levels up too. I don't see how fixing an iron deficiency would make you gain weight though, so you might be stuck with those shoulder blades ;-)
I will say that if there's a combo trauma / hormonal thing going on, magic mushrooms (only if you're over 25!! do not do if younger, too risky) really helped me and a lot of other people I know. I have a few articles about it but you can also message me with any questions.
I wish more women would at least reconsider their use of all the makeup and other cosmetics they use, harming themselves as you demonstrated in the text. Of course, we must also say that this is often used as a quick fix too, because many women do have an unhealthy or dull skin; not due to wearing make up but due to various other reasons (eating unhealthy, lack of exercise, drinking alcohol, etc.), ending up choosing make-up instead of actual change, even if it makes their skin even worse.
I particularly liked the paragraph about staying healthy and beautiful (or any other good thing) for each other too. Unfortunately, many people today who are unable to love someone or feel entitled that their partner should like them no matter what, would object doing anything for their partner or they may even find this “inauthentic.” Of course, sadly, this prevents many people from having a good relationship (or any relationship at all, for that matter), with various consequences both to themselves individually but also socially.
I actually had really good skin when I was eating unhealthy and drinking too much ... but I always exercised a ton and I agree that makes a huge difference. Especially if you're sweating on make-up free skin. Of course, I was younger then -- I got really into healthy eating at 32 and only rarely drink now.
When I experimented with various skincare and make-up products, my skin got noticeably worse. I remember being told I HAD to moisturize and so even though I didn't have a problem with dry skin, I bought a brand people recommended and used it. The next day, my skin was drier and craving more of that damn moisturizer. I used a "moisturizing" liquid hand soap by LiveStrong at another person's house in December and woke up with dry knuckles lol. I don't have that problem if I use something like coconut oil or beef tallow as a "moisturizer" though.
Haha yeah I mean re health since we love each other, we should try to stick around for each other as long as possible :-) and for our kids.
I have some thoughts on the make-up and women looking, well, like that meme. I believe it could be a matter of skill issue. If you, for example, de-emphasized less nice feature and placed emphasis on the better feature of your face for a more whole, balanced look, its tend to look nicer as it approach closer to "beauty" or symmetrical balance. Without make-up to cope for it, you, cough, have to "cope" with how you actually are.
If you ever seen Tom Brady scouting report picture of his body, well, yeah, good clothing can hide poor posture. Same idea. (It did hurt his chances in draft stock as a result. I suspect poor posture can influence how well an quarterback can throw, but I never heard of a scout mentioning this. Possibly intuition.)
Working on your posture is looksmaxxing I'm 100% behind haha and I should do it more!
I picked the most extreme make-up photo I could find of myself (and the most ridiculous grungy look too) on my computer so most of the time it wasn't THAT bad hahahaha. But yes, total skill issue -- I never got good at make-up because it bothers my skin so much I never really got into it. But I've had skilled friends and even professionals apply it on me and I still didn't like how my face looked with it. The only make-up I thought improved my appearance was mascara (I had it on in the baggy tee-shirt photo so more like that lol) and a bit of eyeliner. But it's also kind of an ethnic issue (being a mutt) for me as well, because I have really pale olive skin and it's very hard to find skin make-up that suits my colouring because I'm too pale for the olive tones and too olive for the white tones.
Men preferring natural women is simply because they’re more approachable and deemed safe for long term mating as they say . I’ve observed women who are average looking (pretty depending on subjective metrics) with less investment in their looks and outgoing attitudes , get approached by men more often and get taken more seriously for their intellect and personalities as your experience shows.
Women with very high objective beauty who are high maintenance are intimidating for most men to approach and date and , they also tend to awaken their insecurities.
I think a lot of people — of both sexes — don’t want to date someone high who is really high maintenance.
I’ve seen guys fall all over women who I’d describe as very beautiful, but in a low/no make-up way, and they’re more about personality while being unusually attractive.
Correct, men aren’t as superficial as some people claim and people definitely should appreciate their natural beauty away from all the fake gimmick the beauty industry is forcing upon us , it’s refreshing to see women who have positive experiences to share , I’ve seen a lot of women prioritize being liked for their beauty over character and personality and likability then complain the men are uninterested in them beyond surface level and I never understood the cognitive dissonance.
Beautiful story. But the smoking has to stop. It doesn't manage your anxiety. It adds a physiological anxiety to whatever innate anxiety you have. Moreover, despite the "anxiety" your generation has coined, it is a normal part of aging, and you'll mature out of it, probably. And the identification of anxiety as something abnormal probably doesn't do any good. To that point, there probably are novel causes of anxiety that old people like me didn't have to deal with. As an old person, life continues to grow evermore bittersweet in one's reflections, and approaching end. Godspeed to you. Oh, lastly, the secret to life is to be SINCERE, always. Be your true you.
I know! I’m not a heavy smoker at all (at my absolute worst, I’d go through about the equivalent of a half-pack per day, and usually it’s a lot less than that) I definitely have an un-sexy smoker’s cough. I am trying to quit again right now, been 24 hours, with me luck.
I have the kind of anxiety disorder where doctors are alwaYS offering me benzos (and I refuse). Stems from childhood. If you want through my back catalogue I do some details.
But anyway, to your point, yes I need to quit smoking so much, and I am actively trying. I might protest the organic roll-it-yourself is better, but it’s still bad.
I never liked sunscreen. But when I began surfing in Mexico everyone said ‘dude you’ll burn to a crisp out there’ with the sun reflection on the water and some wind etc. i wore it for a while. But a few years ago I stopped. And…I didn’t burn. And…when I got home to Canada always after a week maybe less I would have a shower and start peeling. Now I don’t. My tan lasts months, at least a bit.
But the interesting thing is I don’t get sunstroke. Always before a couple of days I would get a heady tired feeling and I would say ‘rats I got too much sun today. I am feeling really hot and heady’. My theory is the sunscreen doesn’t let my head cool through sweat. My pores are clogged. So I get hotter and hotter. No screen and I sweat the heat out as I surf.
I never wear it and never burn. I'm in Mexico right now and I'm out swimming for like an hour at noon and not burning. Drinking lots of water, eating watermelon, healthy fats etc though. I believe in eating your sunscreen, so to speak.
I've been out with friends in August and been the only person not to wear sunscreen, and one of the only people who didn't burn. I try not to stay out too long during the hottest periods though, stick more to the shade from 12-2.
If you do get singed, frankincense essential oil in a carrier oil clears it up really quickly.
Is that the only problem with sunscreen, though? I was surprised when I found out so many people on Substack are convinced it’s bad and you should never use it. Before that, I thought maybe I should start wearing it every time I go outside.
I burn easily in a matter of half an hour in the sun, so I’m not giving up sunscreen for those occasions; can’t afford to spend enough time outside to get a tan or otherwise try to make my skin more resistant to sunburn, and, even if I could, I’m not convinced getting burned in the meantime is preferable to whatever harms sunscreen may do. I’ve already gambled with skin cancer much more than I’d have liked to.
EDIT – I’d written _screen_ instead of _skin_. Yes, I’m a screen addict.
I should disclose I'm part Calabrian / MENA and have olive skin that tans easily and doesn't really burn.
But yeah sunburns are worse than sunscreen. You want to build a tan slowly by going outside every day, not just go out in the middle of August without a base tan. Early morning sun (before 10am) is healthiest and unlikely to burn you, plus stay away from seed oils (dramatically increase burn risk) and drink lots of water, eat lots of watermelon (lycopene prevents burns), and lots of healthy fats high in Omega-3s. Cooked tomatoes in olive oil is a good option as you get lycopene and healthy fats. Don't drink alcohol if you go in the sun without sunscreen.
Beef tallow and zinc oxide sunscreen is also a good option to avoid toxins in conventional sunscreens. I sometimes use the Tallowed Truth's brand.
> I should disclose I'm part Calabrian / MENA and have olive skin that tans easily and doesn't really burn.
I’m pretty sure you can burn any skin if you really want to.
At seventeen, on one of the extremely rare occasions I actually socialized a tiny bit, I witnessed the very first sunburn of a classmate with considerably darker skin than mine. There were three of us, and, for some silly reason or other, we spent a long time lying face down on the beach; I don’t remember whether we fell asleep. All three of us burned like sausages, but, of course, the two lighter-skinned ones burned more.
> You want to build a tan slowly by going outside every day, not just go out in the middle of August without a base tan. Early morning sun (before 10am) is healthiest and unlikely to burn you,
Just going outside, or deliberately exposing yourself to the sun?
I’d concluded long ago I was better off just avoiding direct sunlight whenever possible, like a vampire. I can’t really spend much time outside every day looking for the sun anyway, and, even if I did, it’s not like I can expose more than my forearms, hands, face and neck. I’m not even sure exposing insufficiently muscular male arms doesn’t count as public indecency.
> plus stay away from seed oils (dramatically increase burn risk)
Stay away from ingesting them or from spreading them on your skin?
> eat lots of watermelon (lycopene prevents burns), and lots of healthy fats high in Omega-3s
I like watermelon, but have avoided it for a while because it seemed too sugary, in addition to expensive. Most omega-3-rich things are quite expensive, too.
> Cooked tomatoes in olive oil is a good option as you get lycopene and healthy fats.
Must they be cooked?
> Don't drink alcohol if you go in the sun without sunscreen.
I prefer “Don’t drink alcohol at all, ever”.
> Beef tallow and zinc oxide sunscreen is also a good option to avoid toxins in conventional sunscreens. I sometimes use the Tallowed Truth's brand.
I’ll have to write that down. Thank you.
By the way, how do you research this stuff? I’m pretty sure any source I could find would be objectionable some way or other.
I dunno I poke around the internet, read a lot of books, follow a lot of edgy alternative healthcare workers on Instagram.
Haha, yeah, I CAN burn but I'm in Canada so there's basically like 2 weeks per year where I'm at risk and I'd have to be pretty stupid about it. I was in Mexico a few weeks ago and went swimming for like an hour per day in the middle of the day without sunscreen and didn't burn.
Don't EAT seed oils. Switch to avocado oil, olive oil (at low temperatures), and animals fats for cooking. Cooking tomatoes a bit improves their sun protection, I believe, but raw is also fine. Watermelon is more effective, don't worry about the sugar.
You want to expose your skin to the sun every day you can, starting in the late fall / winter when you're unlikely to burn (or even tan) and slowly build up a base tan for the summer. It's a bad idea to go out in the hot sun when you've spent the last 6 months inside etc. Also the Vitamin D is good for you, and adequate Vitamin D levels also protect from burns. Highest burn risk is when you wear sunscreen all the time and forget to put it on, or rarely go outside and go somewhere really hot and go outside without sunscreen. Basically, you want to slow adapt to seasons wherever you live.
Re the foods, yeah the really healthy stuff is more expensive, but you also tend to need to eat less of it to get full. Eggs are also a good source of nutrients that'll protect you from the sun, and Costco usually had reasonably good prices for good quality ones. Costco is basically the only place to buy good quality olive oil without breaking the bank too.
The whole, "I'm doing this for me" is such a misplaced statement that ignores you never do that for 'just you.' I mean, don't get me wrong you WANT the reciporcated attention and that means you want others to notice. That's how it's about you (not you you, but them you) There's an interesting twist with all the botox and makup and surgury that's obviously fake and that's the signal that they're so EXTRA and yet their husband can still afford her.
The whole of human sexuality is such a mess of conflicting signals. What I love about my wife is she's never worn makeup ever. Not even at our wedding. She doesn't need it and it's a serious flex in it's absense. She also never wears heels because we both hate them. She's fantastic.
And, by the way, the photo in the T-Shirt is one of those weird flexes where "I don't care" is shockingly attractive. Especially when it's a debate club shirt. But maybe I'm just into weirdos too.
I went through a stage in high school where I wore a jean button-up shirt with Bambi characters embroidered on it, just because it pissed off other girls and they kept telling me to dress better. I think I have Fashion ODD (oppositional defiant disorder).
I have a pair of comfy heels I like but one of my strange quirks is I hate jewelry and won't wear it (except my earrings, which are stretched hoops and have been in my ears for 20 years). My husband's engagement gift to me was a full set of all the Animorphs books (my favourite series as a kid, but my mom gave away my old collection), the promise he'd read them (he did, and loved them), and that we'd give them to our kids one day.
I have a theory that with time, one's mental state influences one's facial features. I can tell a lot about someone from their face. How vacuous or deep, how much joy and sorrow they have experienced, how open they are to new experiences vs armored, how loving or vindictive, etc, what we might call spiritual beauty or ugliness. I don't know the mechanism of how that would work. Initially, after puberty, the face mostly signals reproductive fitness, but this second process is also at work and by the time someone is old, it may be the more important one. Women's faces are more subject to the ravages of old age than men (on the average). Perhaps due to hormones declining more abruptly after menopause. But maybe also because someone who spends most of their time trying to look attractive doesn't spend as much time on developing character, on processing pain, on learning how to cultivate joy,, competence and skill, and the second mechanism makes them look scary by the time they are old. I've met very few women who still look beautiful after menopause, and many more such men.
And yes, there is also the phenomenon of love making lovers appear more beautiful to each other than to others who don't know them as intimately.
“If a person has ugly thoughts, it begins to show on the face. And when that person has ugly thoughts every day, every week, every year, the face gets uglier and uglier until you can hardly bear to look at it. A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts it will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.”
You're younger than I, but so much of what you say is familiar.
It wasn't my friends, and I really didn't care what boys thought. Grade 9 in a girls' school probably helped.
Ridiculous, mother-suggested diets. 900 calories.
"You could be a model, if you just lost weight" Oh, my. Let me count the reasons I'd never be a model! Firstly, I never wanted to. Secondly, ridiculously poor muscle tone, which was, retrospectively, probably more of a concern than weight. Thirdly...scoliosis. Mild. Undiagnosed. But I would never strut a runway.
But Mama would have loved it.
So, I've spent my life more or less overweight, and almost make-up free.
I didn't have a scale in the house when my kids were growing up. We still didn't entirely escape eating disorders. But they're okay now.
I think it's very hard for young girls to completely escape eating disorders (though the media is a bit better now about casting women as love interests with varied body types and facial features -- I'm always so happy to see a big-nosed woman depicted as beautiful and desirable!), but much easier to recover from them with a mother who encourages them to love their healthy bodies instead of starving themselves.
part of it. beauty, without the higher qualities of gracefulness, dignity, feeling, purpose, etc." Associated with youth but the etymology includes darker shades of "wily," as in "feminine wiles." A pretty girl could easily use her appearance to trick you, in other words. Like that one time a pretty lady displaying ample cleavage stole my air mattress off the bottom of my Target cart in the parking lot while her equally immodest sister asked for a donation.
"Hot" means sexually attractive and not much else. Associated with youth because so is fertility. Brett Weinstein pointed out that you can imagine women that were hot but not beautiful, and beautiful but not hot. It's possible to be both.
"Beauty" means something a lot more profound than sexual attractiveness, fertility, etc. Beauty is completely independent of age, old ladies can be beautiful. But the thing I wanted to say about beauty is, to me beauty has strength, possibly scars. You can't be beautiful without having been through some shit. There's an element of dignity, holding your head up high after you've been beaten down. The only way a young woman can be beautiful is if she's highly skilled in fine arts or some technical field such as mathematics or medicine which are so mentally demanding they count as "beating yourself up."
Mothers can be beautiful in ways that women without children cannot be.
CS Lewis says in his sermon The Weight of Glory, "We do not want merely to *see* beauty, though, God knows, even that is bounty enough. We want something else which can hardly be put into words—to be united with the beauty we see, to pass into it, to receive it into ourselves, to bathe in it, to become part of it."
I'm fairly sure the average man likes women noticeably larger and curvier than the average woman thinks he does. Of course, individual guys have preferences, but very few like really skinny women with no curves (Kate Moss in the 90s).
This has been my experience ... I'm not sure how much the pressure to be very thin has changed since I was in my teens. It kind of seems like it's coming back though. I'm not sure. Ozempic culture worries me.
We're definitely pendulum swinging back from "body positivity ". Now there's "looksmaxing" content for guys as well, which is getting equally wild with dudes straight up doing steroids to look jacked.
Yeah, I mean, I wasn't a fan of where "body positivity" went either because it promoted poor health. The steroids thing is weird to me because I've always found it a massive turnoff when a guy is too jacked. A little jacked (like many women, I'm a shoulders gal), athletic, is sexy to me, but I'd honestly pick a guy with a little bit of extra body fat (softer for hugs and cuddles) over a guy with ripped abs any day.
But this is what I mean by one person's 6 is another's 9. A 'roided up dude who spends two hours per day at the gym or whatever has always been an auto-no for me (e.g. the personal trainer I mentioned in this essay was very jacked, and I imagine a lot of women thought he was really hot, but I rejected him).
You're right. The steroids shit is destroying young men, psychologically, and the damage will continue after, if, they quit, because they will have postponed the reckoning we all have to make with our bodies. These young men are drug addicts, who lift weights. In my day, we were weight lifters who eschewed drugs. And I continue to lift weights because it was never a gimmick. And in weight lifting, sans drugs, one learns who your best self is, not just physically, but emotionally.
I'm forever grateful for my therapist pointing out when I was younger that there is a kind of effervescence and aliveness that almost entirely transcends body shape and features and is far more powerful and magnetic.
I firmly believe that *loving being alive* has a lot to do with people seeing beauty in you, and it also says something real about who you are in the world. Great piece.
This is why I love the movie Hairspray so much. The actress who plays Tracy just exudes confidence, joy, and kindness and is just so magnetic.
Starving yourself takes the light out of your eyes pretty fast.
The picture in this essay that was on okcupid (?) exudes a joie de vivre.
Yeah, OKCupid. It's the only app I ever used (I met almost every guy I've been with out in the real world, but the 2020 lockdowns was an unusually good time to meet people who sincerely wanted a relationship on OKCupid at least). I like that pic too. It was taken at a music festival I got free tickets to because I did some freelance work for the company that put it on back in the day.
It’s beautiful
. You're from BC, Canada, right? I think that prob informs your experiences re: fellas not caring about makeup and other feminine trappings. I'm Irish (as in, actually from Ireland) and my boyfriend grew up in BC. He genuinely prefers me without makeup, and overall isn't really drawn to that kinda "super-stimuli" based exaggerated hyper-femininity. (Obv still likes it when I dress to suit my figure/stay in shape/have nice hair/smell good/etc etc.)
Whereas some Irish men I know claim they like a natural look, and sometimes even(performatively?) bitch about women wearing too much makeup, but when you take a peep at their revealed preferences- girlfriends, exes, picz they like on insta, who they ogle on the street- it's usually the girls who are accentuating femininity in this super-stimulating way that they are drawn to.
Of course, there's also many men who straight-up expect this from a woman, and seem to consider one who's not doing the whole makeup/fake tan/acrylics/fake lashes/hair extensions thing to be kinda butch. There's a certain beauty standard based on overt and exaggerated feminine trappings of that kind, that is esp prevalent in working class/lower middle class culture in Ireland and the UK (an even more heightened version of this can be seen in Irish Traveller culture specifically). Men who grew up in these cultures do just generally find it more hot.
But both men and women from other cultures that prize a more subdued femininity kinda see this as a bit trashy and OTT or whatever. I've noticed this attitude from both upper middle class types, or people from cultures/subcultures that prize a more outdoorsy, pragmatic vibe from both sexes- my experience with BC's culture indicates that it pretty much exemplifies the latter.
It works for me tho, since I agree with your points regarding the self-perpetuating loop that things like makeup/bras/etc create, and I like having some time and mental bandwidth freed up by not having to worry about this shit. I also agree that keeping an overall baseline level of health is gonna raise any individual's floor for attractiveness (as well as being good for many other objectives!). But I think it's always going to be easier for women in certain cultures/subcultures, or who have a less conformist bent to their personalities, to make the decision to forego these beauty standards. We have less to lose.
Showed your comment to my husband -- he said that heavy make-up and hyper-sexual clothes signal sexual availability and that women dressed that way are more likely to be approached by men looking for sex, whereas naturally beautiful women who are low/no make-up and comfortable-but-feminine dressers are more likely to be coded as girlfriend or wife material. This checks out.
Your husband is wise
There’s something else at play here that I don’t entirely know how to express. Men WANT to admire female beauty, and especially a husband WANTS to find his wife pretty. The game is rigged in most women’s favour, and yet they engage as if they’re one wrong move away from social disaster - or in some cases assume their husband is creepy and insincere because she isn’t actually attractive and so he is just saying that to get sex.
Is there a tendency for women to have a “winner take all” mentality around attraction - only the prettiest get the win? Whereas most boys would happily date the 15th prettiest girl in the grade and call it a win
I think the male bias towards “natural” comes from two places:
One is reproductive. A man looks at a woman and imagines his future children - the more “artificial” a woman’s appearance the less this tracks
The other is honesty and mental state. A woman who is happy in her own skin - who can accept admiration when fully made up and when looking disheveled - is emotionally healthy and reflects joy. A woman who is dissatisfied with who she is - physically or emotionally - bleeds this into every interaction
Yeah ... I've found a lot of guys would rather date a "sloppy 7" than an "effortful 9".
Worth noting that this article seems to be resonating a lot with men and no one has attacked my looks yet.
Yeah, I am from BC. But I've seen this play out in other parts of Canada too, and when I've still been hit on with very little to no make-up on when I've travelled in the US / Europe / Asia (never been to Ireland though). To your point though, I only gave up mascara recently so I was usually wearing it back then, and I usually wear/wore comfortable but reasonably flattering dresses and if I was going to a night club or something, a reasonably comfortable but still flattering pair of heels.
I think this goes to the "accurate" advertising part somewhat -- if you doll up in a hyper-feminine, very made-up way you'll attract men who are mostly into that (and feel the need to keep it up) whereas a more simple (but still feminine) will typically attract a different type of guy.
I'm not against maximizing one's beauty (or handsomeness) in ways that aren't harming or, ideally, are actively improving your long-term health (though I do think too much emphasis is put on physical appearance, and it's going to take time away from the pursuit of other interests ... or stuff like sleep).
It bothers me that so many products are toxic and addictive -- and it kind of seems like there's smear campaigns against the natural products which work pretty well. I've tried the castor oil thing and my face did look way better afterward, but if you Google it the AI search results assure you that it does not replace Botox. Google AI and dermatologists also warn beef tallow will clog your pores and that it doesn't replace moisturizer and I've been using it for a while and not had that experience -- and the glowing reviews from other women on the social media of the brand I use indicate I am not alone there. (Beef tallow actually fixes chapped lips and kind of looks like lip gloss!! And myrrh essential oil will clear up a zit quickly and treat acne while improving your overall health and is not addictive! Etc.)
I was originally going to end this with a long list of natural products to replace the typical ones and beauty advice I'm giving my daughters but it seemed like a lot so I cut it. Maybe a mistake?
I absolutely agree that ultimately you're better off "advertising" yourself accurately, if you want a good long-term relationship. Personally, I go for a lot of those natural choices too. (here with my jojoba oil on as I type!). I still think some women have an easier time than others giving up on these options though. And some women clearly feel like spending time and energy on makeup/skincare/ whatever is worth it relative to all the other things they could be doing, and I find it interesting to consider their motives.
Your husband's point is interesting, and I would say there's def truth in it- but it stands out to me that he identifies the "naturally beautiful" women with less makeup as more desirable for girlfriend material. Like, no shit haha. Of course the ideal is a gorgeous woman who doesn't need makeup to be hot! But I can't really blame the less genetically/environmentally blessed girls for trying to seize on any advantage they can get. Yes, sure, many of them would prob have their skin clear up a little if they laid off the foundation and ate better. And certainly being in good shape helps a lot. But I've known girls who basically plastered on the illusion of a whole new bone structure every morning, and absolutely got attention they otherwise wouldn't with their natural plain looks. Some women are simply not naturally beautiful. Personally, I'm average looking, cute on a good day- and I'm OK with that. But I have other traits to hang my self-esteem on that have helped me find a good man. I was a pretty plain, unattractive teenager tho, and know what it's like to be invisible at best, disrespected at worst. So i can't really begrudge women who grasp onto any methods they can access to try and alleviate this state.
Alright, I'm getting a bit cynical here, lol. That said, I have a similar philosophy to you in terms of sticking to natural skincare, fibres, etc, and I think you have a good attitude to raising your daughters. The looksmaxxing bullshit annoys me, and in my ideal, personal world, people would focus on deeper shit, and women wouldn't feel the need to obsess on their looks, esp in harmful ways. But in this world, I suppose I feel compelled to show some sympathy for the ones who do. Esp because I still believe that in certain cultures/subcultures, it really is gonna have a bigger effect on your dating prospects, and a lot of women are not non-conformist enough in their temperament to deal with the penalties.
Goes the other way too -- the last time I used OKCupid (only date site I've used, and only three times -- most boyfriends I met out in the real world) and met my husband, he wasn't the best looking guy or the most/best educated (he has a masters) or the highest-earner who messaged me. But he had the kindest smile in his profile picture. And he played guitar. And we just clicked. I was actually seeing another guy before him, who I think was arguably better-looking, but it wasn't my husband's looks that won me over. It was him.
"Kind smile"? You mean attractive face? Also studies show that attractive people care more about attractiveness than unattractive ones, so you're wrong in article
Haha his smile (including eyes) seemed really kind, as did his written profile. And he is really kind. Attractive face too, but lots of people have attractive faces without kind smiles. My smile falls more firmly in the "awkward" box, for example, and my eyes / expressions get called "intense".
I've found that people who put a lot of work into looking attractive care more about finding an attractive partner, but I was talking about more casual beauties / hotties there, who generally want a partner they are attracted to but care just as much if not more about other things like humour and intelligence and sporty etc.
Those studies would presumably use photos of participants to rank attractiveness and people who wear make-up, practice posing and angles, and generally care more are going to look better in photos than someone who may be just as if not more beautiful in real life but is make-up free and less practiced in front of the camera. One of the reasons men struggle in online dating is most suck at taking good photos and are hotter in real life (whereas with women it tends to be the opposite).
I think that it's just because they can care about it but let's agree to disagree. I doubt there's studies controlling for putting effort in looking good.
Lol to clarify, only one of the women I'm thinking of who was very popular with guys while rarely wearing make-up has the bone structure of, say, a model. The rest are attractive and fit, however, some maybe would get "cute" more than "beautiful" by random dudes but I guess the thing is they're all pretty lovely people too and so once you know them you see them as "beautiful". I didn't mean, "naturally an objective 9/10 as would be ranked by random men".
On the flip side -- I once went to a cabin with some friends and one of their brother's brought a girlfriend who modelled. She woke up at 5am (or something like that) every day and spent over two hours applying make-up and doing her hair ... then wouldn't swim or run around or do anything that might mess up her hair and make-up. She looked great but everyone thought she was boring. Her boyfriend eventually broke up with her, and now he's happily married to an attractive (but perhaps more "cute") woman who is smart and kind and will, you know, going swimming with him and their kids.
And the thing is, I'm pretty sure that girl would have been attractive without all the make-up and hairstyling. More so, actually, because maybe then she would have jumped in the lake with us and had some fun.
Obviously women (and men) who are conventionally hot/fit/etc get less attention, but I've seen some people who aren't particularly good-looking attract really wonderful partners with a great personality, interesting hobbies and/or some sort of remarkable talent, and a sense of humour -- and some of the women did so without leaning hard on the make-up etc, or even make-up free most of the time.
One of the reasons I used the Hairspray image! I love that movie -- the talented, funny, kind, brave, but short and stout girl with the huge smile gets the guy, not the bitchy skinny bleach blonde with perfect make-up and clothes. Obviously fiction, but there's truth to the message.
For majority of men "cute" is beautiful.
Totally. And these women are, especially once you get to know them. But I'm not talking about women who would be recruited for modelling etc for example (for the most part). Some are short and curvy or have big noses etc but have that kind of glow that a healthy, intelligent person with a good sense of humour and a beautiful soul tend to have.
My point was that "modeling standards" don't have much to do with standards of real men. Most men don't care about height, many if not most men prefer curvier women, especially when we talk about feminine fat(there are fat distributions under skin that respond to estrogen). And the same with face, most men prefer cute faces. This is part of problem with make up too, it usually replaces cute features with aggressive one's.
You also have a good point re attitude. I was fairly good at at least pretending I didn't care what people thought of how I looked and was generally perceived as more confident without much make-up on than I was when I was wearing it (probably because it bothers my skin -- even the better quality stuff, I just don't want to put things on my face! I've only tried the castor oil thing a couple times even though I saw immediate results because it felt so gross lol) so much I get all twitchy and I don't feel like myself).
I am in Vancouver though and most people moved here from somewhere else, but the trend I noticed seemed to apply across races and immigrants / expats still seemed to prefer feminine women with less or no make-up (CLOTHING is a different matter! But you can dress sexy without wearing toxic fibres! And while it's obviously a bad idea to wear heels all day every day I really don't think it's a big deal health-wise to wear them out, maybe the odd blister).
Yes, my wife and I have similar mental health/neurodivergence issues. And we "met" via my writing. But neither of us has been mentally ill since we got married, because we keep each other happy and sane. We are a personality match, but find each other very attractive (even though I'm probably objectively not). And she doesn't wear makeup and I'm 100% fine with that.
I think both sexes underestimate how much a pair of intelligent, intense eyes can boost their attractiveness to a lot of people.
I’m generally skeptical of “society tells women they need to—“ statements because no one has said most of these things to me. I generally don’t get aesthetic commandments from anyone. But I’ve been told by multiple people to get the mom cut. That one is always baffling to me, especially as I know most men including my husband like long hair. Other people are welcome to do what they want, but I’m not cutting my hair off. And the fact that people are encouraging me to do so weirds me out.
You’re articulating something critical here — as I said in the essay, I basically never got aesthetic commandments from men (other than the rare weight loss comment). When I did get them from women, they were almost always phrased as “Society tells women they need to—” or “As women we need to—” or “It’s so annoying that we need to—” etc, and it’s often been when I’ve said something like “Oh, I think I look fine without make-up” that I’ll get “No, you need it” from another woman.
This applies to a lot of stuff, actually. Other girls and women tell me that “society” or “patriarchy” or “our culture” sets x limits on girls and women and demands we do y aesthetic crap etc but the only “society” I’m actually hearing that from on a regular basis is women telling me “society” is telling me that.
I kept my long hair too, but oh man have the kids done a number on it. Babies love pulling out long hair.
I’ve always been skinny. Currently consistently at my heaviest, at 5’6” and 125-128lbs. A nontrivial number of men do like the skinny with not much ass or titties. I get hit on every now and again. I do have an amazing waist-to-hip ratio though. Only the baggiest shirts can hide it.
There’s one really big problem for me on the attracting males front, though. I rarely to never experience attraction. 😆 I could, and did at one point, call myself asexual, but I think what’s actually going on is a manifestation of avoidant attachment. I’m ok with taking a long time to find love—or even just forming better friendships and remaining single. I also am starting to suspect my iron levels have been bad all my life and that’s a contributing factor.
I do genuinely have a small bone structure, and small features in general: small head, face, thin lips, little nose, teensy hands, wrists small enough for child size bangles (ANNOYING for finding jewelry)… my feet are the average shoe size, and I’m a little bit above average height, but everything else is small. If my current iron correction causes me to gain a couple pounds or 10, that’s fine though. Staying at this weight is also fine, though I would like to have shoulder blades that don’t poke an eye out.
Also, I LOATHE that a lot of women think pear shaped is a bad thing. It’s a gorgeous body type, IMO. I’m probably biased, since that’s my body type (in skinny form), but oh well.
I had a good friend in university who was 5'9 and about 125-130 pounds and she was very healthy -- that was just her frame. Her sister was even taller and thinner! (Beautiful woman, my friend, rarely wore make-up, frequently look goofy pictures because she had a great sense of humour too). Some people accused her of having an eating disorder, but I lived with her, and she definitely did not.
Hahaha, I have a small head but biggish features. So it's funny because in photos it looks like my body is bigger than it is because of the contrast, and I can look a little elf-life. I was looking back on uni pictures and realized that from the hips to shoulders I actually had a very similar body as my friend above -- we shared dresses! The height difference was mostly that she had longer (and thinner) legs. I envied my taller friends because I wanted longer legs (I have the torso of a 5'8/9 woman) but some of my taller (and very beautiful) friends envied my height because it was harder for them to find guys who were considerably taller than them. The grass is always greener, I think, and you gotta learn to love the body God gave you.
I had issues with avoidant attachment, but it manifested in serial monogamy and being low-key kind of a heartbreaking slut. Not good. I also feel you on the baggy shirt. I like being comfortable, but I also wore them sometimes because I was avoiding attention.
I have issues with iron too. It's the worst! I eat a lot of blackstrap molasses and was eating beef liver for a while, but ugh. I need to find a good beef liver supplement the actual stuff made me feel great but I couldn't with the taste. You can buy grass-fed ground beef with heart and liver mixed in it (like maybe 10-15% of the meat), and you barely notice!!. I'm trying to avoid eating red meat and dairy together to get my iron levels up too. I don't see how fixing an iron deficiency would make you gain weight though, so you might be stuck with those shoulder blades ;-)
I will say that if there's a combo trauma / hormonal thing going on, magic mushrooms (only if you're over 25!! do not do if younger, too risky) really helped me and a lot of other people I know. I have a few articles about it but you can also message me with any questions.
Good piece, albeit a bit chaotic in form!
I wish more women would at least reconsider their use of all the makeup and other cosmetics they use, harming themselves as you demonstrated in the text. Of course, we must also say that this is often used as a quick fix too, because many women do have an unhealthy or dull skin; not due to wearing make up but due to various other reasons (eating unhealthy, lack of exercise, drinking alcohol, etc.), ending up choosing make-up instead of actual change, even if it makes their skin even worse.
I particularly liked the paragraph about staying healthy and beautiful (or any other good thing) for each other too. Unfortunately, many people today who are unable to love someone or feel entitled that their partner should like them no matter what, would object doing anything for their partner or they may even find this “inauthentic.” Of course, sadly, this prevents many people from having a good relationship (or any relationship at all, for that matter), with various consequences both to themselves individually but also socially.
I actually had really good skin when I was eating unhealthy and drinking too much ... but I always exercised a ton and I agree that makes a huge difference. Especially if you're sweating on make-up free skin. Of course, I was younger then -- I got really into healthy eating at 32 and only rarely drink now.
When I experimented with various skincare and make-up products, my skin got noticeably worse. I remember being told I HAD to moisturize and so even though I didn't have a problem with dry skin, I bought a brand people recommended and used it. The next day, my skin was drier and craving more of that damn moisturizer. I used a "moisturizing" liquid hand soap by LiveStrong at another person's house in December and woke up with dry knuckles lol. I don't have that problem if I use something like coconut oil or beef tallow as a "moisturizer" though.
Haha yeah I mean re health since we love each other, we should try to stick around for each other as long as possible :-) and for our kids.
Really enjoyable article.
I have some thoughts on the make-up and women looking, well, like that meme. I believe it could be a matter of skill issue. If you, for example, de-emphasized less nice feature and placed emphasis on the better feature of your face for a more whole, balanced look, its tend to look nicer as it approach closer to "beauty" or symmetrical balance. Without make-up to cope for it, you, cough, have to "cope" with how you actually are.
If you ever seen Tom Brady scouting report picture of his body, well, yeah, good clothing can hide poor posture. Same idea. (It did hurt his chances in draft stock as a result. I suspect poor posture can influence how well an quarterback can throw, but I never heard of a scout mentioning this. Possibly intuition.)
Working on your posture is looksmaxxing I'm 100% behind haha and I should do it more!
I picked the most extreme make-up photo I could find of myself (and the most ridiculous grungy look too) on my computer so most of the time it wasn't THAT bad hahahaha. But yes, total skill issue -- I never got good at make-up because it bothers my skin so much I never really got into it. But I've had skilled friends and even professionals apply it on me and I still didn't like how my face looked with it. The only make-up I thought improved my appearance was mascara (I had it on in the baggy tee-shirt photo so more like that lol) and a bit of eyeliner. But it's also kind of an ethnic issue (being a mutt) for me as well, because I have really pale olive skin and it's very hard to find skin make-up that suits my colouring because I'm too pale for the olive tones and too olive for the white tones.
Men preferring natural women is simply because they’re more approachable and deemed safe for long term mating as they say . I’ve observed women who are average looking (pretty depending on subjective metrics) with less investment in their looks and outgoing attitudes , get approached by men more often and get taken more seriously for their intellect and personalities as your experience shows.
Women with very high objective beauty who are high maintenance are intimidating for most men to approach and date and , they also tend to awaken their insecurities.
I think a lot of people — of both sexes — don’t want to date someone high who is really high maintenance.
I’ve seen guys fall all over women who I’d describe as very beautiful, but in a low/no make-up way, and they’re more about personality while being unusually attractive.
Correct, men aren’t as superficial as some people claim and people definitely should appreciate their natural beauty away from all the fake gimmick the beauty industry is forcing upon us , it’s refreshing to see women who have positive experiences to share , I’ve seen a lot of women prioritize being liked for their beauty over character and personality and likability then complain the men are uninterested in them beyond surface level and I never understood the cognitive dissonance.
I’m .2 seconds in… and I was tiny and also was convinced I was fat back then. It bed a thing.
Beautiful story. But the smoking has to stop. It doesn't manage your anxiety. It adds a physiological anxiety to whatever innate anxiety you have. Moreover, despite the "anxiety" your generation has coined, it is a normal part of aging, and you'll mature out of it, probably. And the identification of anxiety as something abnormal probably doesn't do any good. To that point, there probably are novel causes of anxiety that old people like me didn't have to deal with. As an old person, life continues to grow evermore bittersweet in one's reflections, and approaching end. Godspeed to you. Oh, lastly, the secret to life is to be SINCERE, always. Be your true you.
I know! I’m not a heavy smoker at all (at my absolute worst, I’d go through about the equivalent of a half-pack per day, and usually it’s a lot less than that) I definitely have an un-sexy smoker’s cough. I am trying to quit again right now, been 24 hours, with me luck.
I have the kind of anxiety disorder where doctors are alwaYS offering me benzos (and I refuse). Stems from childhood. If you want through my back catalogue I do some details.
But anyway, to your point, yes I need to quit smoking so much, and I am actively trying. I might protest the organic roll-it-yourself is better, but it’s still bad.
I never liked sunscreen. But when I began surfing in Mexico everyone said ‘dude you’ll burn to a crisp out there’ with the sun reflection on the water and some wind etc. i wore it for a while. But a few years ago I stopped. And…I didn’t burn. And…when I got home to Canada always after a week maybe less I would have a shower and start peeling. Now I don’t. My tan lasts months, at least a bit.
But the interesting thing is I don’t get sunstroke. Always before a couple of days I would get a heady tired feeling and I would say ‘rats I got too much sun today. I am feeling really hot and heady’. My theory is the sunscreen doesn’t let my head cool through sweat. My pores are clogged. So I get hotter and hotter. No screen and I sweat the heat out as I surf.
I never wear it and never burn. I'm in Mexico right now and I'm out swimming for like an hour at noon and not burning. Drinking lots of water, eating watermelon, healthy fats etc though. I believe in eating your sunscreen, so to speak.
I've been out with friends in August and been the only person not to wear sunscreen, and one of the only people who didn't burn. I try not to stay out too long during the hottest periods though, stick more to the shade from 12-2.
If you do get singed, frankincense essential oil in a carrier oil clears it up really quickly.
Frankincense has a lot of uses.
Is that the only problem with sunscreen, though? I was surprised when I found out so many people on Substack are convinced it’s bad and you should never use it. Before that, I thought maybe I should start wearing it every time I go outside.
I burn easily in a matter of half an hour in the sun, so I’m not giving up sunscreen for those occasions; can’t afford to spend enough time outside to get a tan or otherwise try to make my skin more resistant to sunburn, and, even if I could, I’m not convinced getting burned in the meantime is preferable to whatever harms sunscreen may do. I’ve already gambled with skin cancer much more than I’d have liked to.
EDIT – I’d written _screen_ instead of _skin_. Yes, I’m a screen addict.
I should disclose I'm part Calabrian / MENA and have olive skin that tans easily and doesn't really burn.
But yeah sunburns are worse than sunscreen. You want to build a tan slowly by going outside every day, not just go out in the middle of August without a base tan. Early morning sun (before 10am) is healthiest and unlikely to burn you, plus stay away from seed oils (dramatically increase burn risk) and drink lots of water, eat lots of watermelon (lycopene prevents burns), and lots of healthy fats high in Omega-3s. Cooked tomatoes in olive oil is a good option as you get lycopene and healthy fats. Don't drink alcohol if you go in the sun without sunscreen.
Beef tallow and zinc oxide sunscreen is also a good option to avoid toxins in conventional sunscreens. I sometimes use the Tallowed Truth's brand.
Well, that’s a lot to take in. Thank you.
> I should disclose I'm part Calabrian / MENA and have olive skin that tans easily and doesn't really burn.
I’m pretty sure you can burn any skin if you really want to.
At seventeen, on one of the extremely rare occasions I actually socialized a tiny bit, I witnessed the very first sunburn of a classmate with considerably darker skin than mine. There were three of us, and, for some silly reason or other, we spent a long time lying face down on the beach; I don’t remember whether we fell asleep. All three of us burned like sausages, but, of course, the two lighter-skinned ones burned more.
> You want to build a tan slowly by going outside every day, not just go out in the middle of August without a base tan. Early morning sun (before 10am) is healthiest and unlikely to burn you,
Just going outside, or deliberately exposing yourself to the sun?
I’d concluded long ago I was better off just avoiding direct sunlight whenever possible, like a vampire. I can’t really spend much time outside every day looking for the sun anyway, and, even if I did, it’s not like I can expose more than my forearms, hands, face and neck. I’m not even sure exposing insufficiently muscular male arms doesn’t count as public indecency.
> plus stay away from seed oils (dramatically increase burn risk)
Stay away from ingesting them or from spreading them on your skin?
> eat lots of watermelon (lycopene prevents burns), and lots of healthy fats high in Omega-3s
I like watermelon, but have avoided it for a while because it seemed too sugary, in addition to expensive. Most omega-3-rich things are quite expensive, too.
> Cooked tomatoes in olive oil is a good option as you get lycopene and healthy fats.
Must they be cooked?
> Don't drink alcohol if you go in the sun without sunscreen.
I prefer “Don’t drink alcohol at all, ever”.
> Beef tallow and zinc oxide sunscreen is also a good option to avoid toxins in conventional sunscreens. I sometimes use the Tallowed Truth's brand.
I’ll have to write that down. Thank you.
By the way, how do you research this stuff? I’m pretty sure any source I could find would be objectionable some way or other.
I dunno I poke around the internet, read a lot of books, follow a lot of edgy alternative healthcare workers on Instagram.
Haha, yeah, I CAN burn but I'm in Canada so there's basically like 2 weeks per year where I'm at risk and I'd have to be pretty stupid about it. I was in Mexico a few weeks ago and went swimming for like an hour per day in the middle of the day without sunscreen and didn't burn.
Don't EAT seed oils. Switch to avocado oil, olive oil (at low temperatures), and animals fats for cooking. Cooking tomatoes a bit improves their sun protection, I believe, but raw is also fine. Watermelon is more effective, don't worry about the sugar.
You want to expose your skin to the sun every day you can, starting in the late fall / winter when you're unlikely to burn (or even tan) and slowly build up a base tan for the summer. It's a bad idea to go out in the hot sun when you've spent the last 6 months inside etc. Also the Vitamin D is good for you, and adequate Vitamin D levels also protect from burns. Highest burn risk is when you wear sunscreen all the time and forget to put it on, or rarely go outside and go somewhere really hot and go outside without sunscreen. Basically, you want to slow adapt to seasons wherever you live.
Re the foods, yeah the really healthy stuff is more expensive, but you also tend to need to eat less of it to get full. Eggs are also a good source of nutrients that'll protect you from the sun, and Costco usually had reasonably good prices for good quality ones. Costco is basically the only place to buy good quality olive oil without breaking the bank too.
The whole, "I'm doing this for me" is such a misplaced statement that ignores you never do that for 'just you.' I mean, don't get me wrong you WANT the reciporcated attention and that means you want others to notice. That's how it's about you (not you you, but them you) There's an interesting twist with all the botox and makup and surgury that's obviously fake and that's the signal that they're so EXTRA and yet their husband can still afford her.
The whole of human sexuality is such a mess of conflicting signals. What I love about my wife is she's never worn makeup ever. Not even at our wedding. She doesn't need it and it's a serious flex in it's absense. She also never wears heels because we both hate them. She's fantastic.
And, by the way, the photo in the T-Shirt is one of those weird flexes where "I don't care" is shockingly attractive. Especially when it's a debate club shirt. But maybe I'm just into weirdos too.
Hahahaha your wife sounds like such a rebel!
I went through a stage in high school where I wore a jean button-up shirt with Bambi characters embroidered on it, just because it pissed off other girls and they kept telling me to dress better. I think I have Fashion ODD (oppositional defiant disorder).
I have a pair of comfy heels I like but one of my strange quirks is I hate jewelry and won't wear it (except my earrings, which are stretched hoops and have been in my ears for 20 years). My husband's engagement gift to me was a full set of all the Animorphs books (my favourite series as a kid, but my mom gave away my old collection), the promise he'd read them (he did, and loved them), and that we'd give them to our kids one day.
That's awesome. She's ironically not a rebel but also very independent.
I have a theory that with time, one's mental state influences one's facial features. I can tell a lot about someone from their face. How vacuous or deep, how much joy and sorrow they have experienced, how open they are to new experiences vs armored, how loving or vindictive, etc, what we might call spiritual beauty or ugliness. I don't know the mechanism of how that would work. Initially, after puberty, the face mostly signals reproductive fitness, but this second process is also at work and by the time someone is old, it may be the more important one. Women's faces are more subject to the ravages of old age than men (on the average). Perhaps due to hormones declining more abruptly after menopause. But maybe also because someone who spends most of their time trying to look attractive doesn't spend as much time on developing character, on processing pain, on learning how to cultivate joy,, competence and skill, and the second mechanism makes them look scary by the time they are old. I've met very few women who still look beautiful after menopause, and many more such men.
And yes, there is also the phenomenon of love making lovers appear more beautiful to each other than to others who don't know them as intimately.
Roald Dahl has a great quote about this:
“If a person has ugly thoughts, it begins to show on the face. And when that person has ugly thoughts every day, every week, every year, the face gets uglier and uglier until you can hardly bear to look at it. A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts it will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.”
I love this! And Roald Dahl. OK, so others have thought this too...
You're younger than I, but so much of what you say is familiar.
It wasn't my friends, and I really didn't care what boys thought. Grade 9 in a girls' school probably helped.
Ridiculous, mother-suggested diets. 900 calories.
"You could be a model, if you just lost weight" Oh, my. Let me count the reasons I'd never be a model! Firstly, I never wanted to. Secondly, ridiculously poor muscle tone, which was, retrospectively, probably more of a concern than weight. Thirdly...scoliosis. Mild. Undiagnosed. But I would never strut a runway.
But Mama would have loved it.
So, I've spent my life more or less overweight, and almost make-up free.
I didn't have a scale in the house when my kids were growing up. We still didn't entirely escape eating disorders. But they're okay now.
And all my daughters wear make-up
I think it's very hard for young girls to completely escape eating disorders (though the media is a bit better now about casting women as love interests with varied body types and facial features -- I'm always so happy to see a big-nosed woman depicted as beautiful and desirable!), but much easier to recover from them with a mother who encourages them to love their healthy bodies instead of starving themselves.
Sadly it coincided with me being very ill, so her sisters took care of it. I didn't even know about it until much later.
I feel like Mother of the Year, but life happens. I guess this makes us survivers
It sounds like you raised good daughters :-)
Oh, we tried!
We do not want merely to see
beauty, though, God knows, even that
is bounty enough. We want something
else which can hardly be put into
words—to be united with the beauty
we see, to pass into it, to receive it into
ourselves, to bathe in it, to become
part of it. beauty, without the higher qualities of gracefulness, dignity, feeling, purpose, etc." Associated with youth but the etymology includes darker shades of "wily," as in "feminine wiles." A pretty girl could easily use her appearance to trick you, in other words. Like that one time a pretty lady displaying ample cleavage stole my air mattress off the bottom of my Target cart in the parking lot while her equally immodest sister asked for a donation.
"Hot" means sexually attractive and not much else. Associated with youth because so is fertility. Brett Weinstein pointed out that you can imagine women that were hot but not beautiful, and beautiful but not hot. It's possible to be both.
"Beauty" means something a lot more profound than sexual attractiveness, fertility, etc. Beauty is completely independent of age, old ladies can be beautiful. But the thing I wanted to say about beauty is, to me beauty has strength, possibly scars. You can't be beautiful without having been through some shit. There's an element of dignity, holding your head up high after you've been beaten down. The only way a young woman can be beautiful is if she's highly skilled in fine arts or some technical field such as mathematics or medicine which are so mentally demanding they count as "beating yourself up."
Mothers can be beautiful in ways that women without children cannot be.
CS Lewis says in his sermon The Weight of Glory, "We do not want merely to *see* beauty, though, God knows, even that is bounty enough. We want something else which can hardly be put into words—to be united with the beauty we see, to pass into it, to receive it into ourselves, to bathe in it, to become part of it."
That's some deep sh*t right there.
I am sorry, Substack somehow BUTCHERED my reply but rather than try to fix it imma leave it there.
Fuck this buggy ass website, seriously.